People often times wonder if I’m angry, simply because I go quiet. What’s actually happened is I have become overwhelmed by something. Today for example, stress at work mounted a great deal and I had all these people asking me different things. I went dead quiet for about 30 minutes, not responding to my co-workers as they joked around and did their thing.
Several people asked if I was mad, the only thing I could say was no. This did nothing to make them believe me.
Sometimes when I go quiet it’s as if I actually cannot talk, the words are there, my mouth can move but nothing comes out. My body just shuts off my ability to communicate verbally. I think it’s my body trying to help me narrow down and focus on what needs done but at times it can be embarrassing.
Generally when I am able to begin speaking again, the words come out all wrong and I look dumb but in reality it’s just how my brain works.
People think I am emotionless, but my emotions run through my mind like a wildfire. I see the colors of my pain, anger, sadness and joy. Even though my outside appearance might not show it, sometimes I’m hurting desperately inside.
Imagine, experiencing an emotion but not just that one situation, remembering and experiencing every time you’ve felt that emotion. When I am sad, I feel all the times I have been sad before remembering just what caused that emotion. When I am happy, I feel all the times I have been happy before. Each emotion is like a million smaller emotions built up.
This is why I go quiet. My brain must process and get me to the other side of it. Sometimes it feels like the quiet is an immense ocean where I am dropped in the middle. Swimming to shore seems futile at first but must be done if I am ever to reach the other side.
People think I’m just angry…
But this is why I go quiet.