Fiction and Stories

Super Tim and the Lost Keys (An ASD Children’s Story)

I’ve often heard that writing a children’s story is one of the hardest things to do. So I thought I might try my hand at it.  I’ll admit that there is a bit of truth to this story. Though some of the details have been changed.


Tim couldn’t wait for the weekend. Saturday was his 8th birthday and his parents had promised him something special. His mother and father had asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday?

Did he want a party with all the kids at school? No.
Did he want the newest video game, the one his friend George couldn’t stop talking about? No.
Did he want a new bike to ride around town on, the one his father had pointed out the last time they had been at the mall? No

What Tim wanted more than anything else was to see the Dinosaurs at the museum. Tim didn’t like to go much of anywhere but he had read about the exhibit a few weeks ago and the thought of all of those dinosaurs in one place thrilled him to no end. There would be a Pterodactyl, a life size model of an Oviraptor,  and all kinds of things from the Cambrian explosion. Those thing were cool but the thing Tim really wanted to see was the T-Rex.

Tim could tell you practically anything you would ever want to know about the T-Rex. He could tell you that their name means “Tyrant Lizard.” He could quote their top speed, 20 miles per hour. It was nothing for people to get into a conversation with Tim about whether or not the T-Rex had feathers, it didn’t. His favorite facts dealt with how even though the T-Rex was big and mean looking it was actually a very good parent, maybe almost as good as his own mommy. So it goes without saying that this exhibit was a must see for the young boy.

Saturday morning arrived and Tim got up, he walked downstairs thinking about the T-Rex he would soon be seeing.  Tim knew that his father had told him they would be leaving at 8:30am on the dot but that didn’t stop him from being extra excited. Looking at the clock in the living room he saw that it was only 7am. So much time to wait before they left that Tim almost thought he wasn’t going to be able to take it.

He grabbed his favorite bowl from the cabinet and poured himself a bowl of cereal.  His mother had marked a line on this bowl to let Tim know exactly how much milk he needed for his bowl, so after adding the milk, Tim sat down and started munching. Soon his father walked into the room and patted Tim on the head, he hated when his Dad did that but his mother had told him it was his Dad’s way of letting him know he loved him, so Tim had decided to let his Dad get away with it from time to time. This morning he barely felt it because the only thing on Tim’s mind was dinosaurs.

“Hey, Goodmorning Timmy,” his dad said, “did you sleep well?”

“Uh huh” was all Tim could say between bites.

Tim’s mother soon walked into the room. “Who is ready for dinosaurs?” She asked.

“Me!” Timmy yelled nearly spitting half a bite of cereal all over the table causing Tim’s mother and father to laugh hysterically. Tim didn’t quite realize why this was so funny but he didn’t care. Today was going to be awesome!

“Honey?” Tim’s father said in a strange way. “Have you seen my keys?”

“Did you check your pants from yesterday?” Tim’s mother responded.

“Yeah, they weren’t there. I was sure I left them in the key cup yesterday but they aren’t there either.”

Tim hadn’t heard this but he did go on red alert when his father said, “If I don’t find them quick we may be late to the museum.”

“LATE!” Tim yelled. Tim hated being late to anything. He believed that if you said you were going to do something at a certain time, you better do it at that time.

“I’m sure the keys will turn up soon. Try not to worry, Tim” His mother tried to reassure him.

Tim was worried though. He remembered a few years back when the keys had gotten lost the last time. It had taken nearly 3 hours to locate them. If it took that long, then they were definitely going to be late. He looked at the clock, 7:30, only one hour before they were supposed to leave. Tim decided that his parents were going to need some help.

See, Tim had super powers. Most of the people around him didn’t know this but he had been born equipped with certain skills. Some of the people that Tim knew didn’t think he had super powers and instead thought he was just weird. Maggie, the mean girl at school had called him weird and he hadn’t liked it, but his mother had assured him that one day his super powers would lead him to do great things.

He ran upstairs and put on his cape. Why? A super hero has to have a cape. He then looked at the checklist on the wall that his mother had made him after Maggie had been mean to him. It said:

Tim’s Super Powers
1.) Super Hearing
2.) Super Sight
3.) Super Touch
4.) Super Memory
5.) Super Sweet

Tim didn’t think the last one should be on there, it was such a mom thing to write, but he accepted it because his father had told him that this was one of the ways his mother showed him she loved him.

He looked at the list and thought to himself. I won’t need the first 3 on that list for this heroic feat but number 4 on the list was just what he needed. He sat and thought about all the places his father had been when he got home. Quickly he began searching the house.

His dad had gotten home at his usual time and had put some stuff down on the table. The keys though, were not there.
He then had sat down in his chair and watched the news. Tim didn’t like the idea of putting his hands into the seat where his dad farted all the time, but dire times call for dire measures. He checked every nook and cranny. Not there…
His dad had then gone out to the garage where he goes to swear and hit the car with his hammer. Mom said he did other stuff but it was loud and Tim never went in there so he wasn’t sure that she was right. No keys were there.
The same thing was said for the backyard where his father had mowed the lawn, The fridge where his father had gotten a soda, and he even looked in the planter that his father killed plants. Really his father had tried to grow many thing but every time he either watered them too much or too little. Anyway no keys were in the planter.

Tim was beginning to get really worried. When he got worried his mind would start to get stormy. That’s how he explained it. Everything would get real bright, the sounds would get really loud and he would feel his body begin to get really hard. Sometimes his mother said he looked like a stick. That made Tim laugh and would help calm him down but at the moment nothing was going to calm him down.

Then something clicked and Tim ran upstairs. He slammed through his parents door causing his father to yell, “No running in the house!”  His mom was putting on make-up. She called it putting on her face, which Tim found very strange since she already had a face to begin with.

“What’s the matter, Tim?” She said.

He didn’t stop to give an answer, he ran past her into his parents bathroom. Tim let out an excited shriek. His mother ran into the bathroom hoping everything was ok and his fathers footsteps could be heard running up the stairs.

“What’s wrong, Honey?” His mother said.

“KEYS!” Tim yelled, holding them up in his hands.

Tim had remembered that his mother often times referred to the master bathroom as his father’s favorite place. Tim didn’t understand this but his mother would always laugh when she said this. All Tim knew was his dad would go in there with a book sometimes and not come back for what seemed like hours. There, beside the toilet, he had found the keys.

“They must have fallen out of my pocket yesterday.” His father said as he entered the room.

“Our little hero.” Tim’s mother said.

They went back downstairs and Tim looked at the clock, 8:25am. He had saved the day. Soon they were in the car and on their way to the museum. He saw the Pterodactyl, the Oviraptor, all of the things from the Cambrian explosion, and best yet. His parents let him spend extra long looking at the T-Rex exhibit. He sat in wonder looking at all of the things they had there. Someone walked past and said, “I thought they had feathers.” Usually Tim would correct them but this time he was just too enthralled by the exhibit.

On the way home, Tim fell asleep. He woke up right as they got home. His mother let him pick the TV show they watched that night, and he got to pick what they ate for dinner. They finished out the day with cake and ice cream.

Tim’s mom tucked him in. She kissed him on the forehead and told him good night. “I always told you that you had super powers. You’re our families super hero.” Tim went to sleep that night and dreamed about dinosaurs. He rode a T-Rex around while wearing his super hero cape. Today had been awesome, but this dream made it even better.

A Pentecostal Atheist Bible Study

A Pentecostal Atheist Bible Study: Cain and Abel

For last weeks article on the Garden of Eden, click here.
If you want to follow along with today’s article, read Genesis Chapter 4.

So after last week, god had kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden for eating some fruit or maybe, if you are to believe some fundamentalists, for having orgasms or sodomy. Anyway, Chapter 4 begins with Adam making sweet sweet, pre-personal hygiene, love to Eve. She then gives birth to Cain. Adam, liking that sweaty sex, goes at it again with her and she gives birth to Abel, and they all lived happily ever after…lol

So anyway, Cain and Abel grow up to the ripe old age of who knows because it doesn’t tell us. Anyway Cain grows crops and Abel raises sheep, good careers for people to have when there are no other people in existence besides Mom and Dad. Though one has to wonder, without women, what was Abel doing with those sheep?

So eventually Abel decided, for no apparent reason at all, to kill one of his sheep and burn it in an offering to god.  Seriously, he just does it, there was no call for it, or a commandment to do so, he just does it. God’s response is, “Holy shit that’s really fucking cool, thanks, bro!”

Cain sees this and so he takes the best of what he has grown from his crops and presents it as a burnt sacrifice to god as well. This time god is like, “Ew….vegetables….I hate vegetables…you fucking suck Cain….” Or at least we have to surmise this because god rejects Cain’s offering for once again, no apparent reason whatsoever.

So Cain gets pissed off and kills his brother. Did he mean to kill his brother? How could one of the first people on Earth even know that it was possible to kill another human being? Outside of animals did they even understand exactly what death was at this point?

So god comes up to Cain, since he still walks around with them and says, “Hey, where the fuck is your brother? Off with one of his sheep again I’d assume?”

Cain says, “How the fuck should I know, am I his babysitter?

God says, “Look mother fucker, I’m omnipresent and shit and I know what you done did, now fess up!”

Cain says, “Geez, fuck, I’m sorry. Just bring him back to life, yo…”

God responds,”You know I can’t do that…I’m cursing you bro, this ground that you till is going to be even less fruitful. Now get out of my fucking face.”

Cain pleads, “But people will know what I did and they will kill me…you know…the people….all of them that don’t exist yet….”

So god marks Cain on his forehead and says any of these nonexistent people who harm you will be harmed way more. Now get out of my face before I get really angry.”

So Cain moves away, finds a nonexistent wife to marry and a bunch of other nonexistent people in the land of Nod. There he has sex with this nonperson, they have a son named Enoch and build a city called Enoch, even more impressive since they couldn’t grow any food due to the initial curse that god had placed on Cain. So it then tells us that Enoch of Enoch has a son, he has a son, and it continues with this genealogy for a bit.

We then get to Lamech who tells his wives, “I’ve killed someone, a young person”….probably a kid…we don’t know.  He then says, “I’m going to be punished even worse than Cain.” We really don’t know anything more about this, it doesn’t explain it, just says he killed someone and will be punished. Story-telling in the bible would take some time to provide actually important information to the plot.

So anyway, we end up back with Adam and Eve, who have some more fun with their naughty bits, and they give birth to Seth. We haven’t and won’t hear of any women being born yet, because the rest of humanity either reproduces asexually at this point or women just aren’t important enough to mention at this point.

So Seth grows up, finds a nonexistent wife and they have a son names Enos. it ends by saying, “then began men to call upon the name of the Lord.” Who the fuck knows what this actually means but it seems like before then people hadn’t prayed. They just killed things and burnt them. I mean praying is better than killing things for no reason, but they still continue burning things for a couple thousand years.

Thus ends the story of Cain and Abel. Now we get to the fun part…what is taught about the story…

So Christians will teach that god denied Cain’s offering because he didn’t give it in the right fashion. They say he was prideful or tried to hold back some of the better fruits of his labor. The bible though gives no such explanation, it simply says, Cain tried giving the offering and god said, “Fuck you Cain.”

One of the funniest things that I have ever been told in regards to this story deals with Cains wife. As you know, there are no other people at this point and yet Cain moves away and finds a wife. I remember sitting in church one Sunday when an evangelist spoke on this passage. It’s going to get weird…

So with no other women, Cain was forced to marry an ape, and all of their descendents were half man, half ape. Their hairy skin was also the mark that would tell people not to mess with any of Cain’s descendants. Due to their shame, the descendents of Cain only live in remote forests and mountainous regions of the world. They are…of course….Bigfoot and Yeti, as well as any of the other legends of large ape like me throughout history.  I remember hearing laughter from others in the church when this was said, and the evangelist getting really angry and stomping around a bit before moving on to something else. So this wasn’t a common belief, just something I thought I would mention because of its humor.

The “real” origin of Bigfoot will have to wait for another time….

The Diary Of My Mind

Atypical Partial Review

So I haven’t finished the entire first season but I have for the most part enjoyed the show. I do have a couple of criticisms.

First off, the mother is completely unlikable, every other character on the show has some redeeming quality but her. Seriously, could they have made the mother less likable? It seems almost as though this is the purpose of her character. Any time we seem to get a moment that she seems like a decent human being, the next scene is her doing something that absolutely destroys that image. It’s really unnerving.

Secondly, the main character is autistic but they portray him far too often as simply clueless. For example:

In one scene his friend from work says he is going to “get down.” Sam looks down confused. His friend constantly talks about sex, it is completely illogical to me that Sam would not know what get down means having a friend like that. Basically, I understand that they are trying to portray that Sam has trouble with social situations and cues but being in high school he would have picked up on some of these things while growing up.

There have been times where I have really enjoyed the show, and have associated a lot with Sam’s experience. I think though that they have tried to overemphasize the autism to make the mental struggle more easy to understand for neurotypical people that watch it, but it just seems that they have created a show that provides a stereotype of autism and not necessarily a show that provides real information on what it is like to live with Autism.

All in all it’s still a decent show but I can understand why there is such a pushback from the Autism community. I think it will give people an idea that they know what it is like to have autism or what autism is, simply by watching this show. In those respects I believe that the show could be harmful in the long run.

If you are really interested in what life is like with autism. Check out Neurotypical, available on Amazon Prime. There are also some great books on the topic.

For my own personal type of autism, you could read “The Complete Guide to Asperger’s.” It was available on Kindle Unlimited, though I am not sure if that is true now.

Thanks for reading.

Matt

Satanic Sundays

Satanic Sunday #6: Children’s Cartoons

I can’t believe how many times I had to point out last week that this article is a satirical take on some of the things that were considered as satanic, sinful, or evil when I was a child. So hopefully writing that bit got that out-of-the-way for the moment.

For last weeks article, click here.

So you might think that the world of Saturday morning cartoons was beyond the reach of christian superstitions. Not so, says the fundamentalist, nearly every single cartoon was an attempt to win your child over to Satan’s army. Today I will go through a top 10 list of sorts in regards to these dreadfully evil and obviously satanic children’s programming.

Papa_Smurf123

10.) Smurfs

You might say to yourself, how on earth could the smurfs have been considered evil? Well, Gargamel was a sorcerer, who needed the smurfs to complete his wicked spells. This meant that the smurfs was all about magic and satan. The smurfs themselves were also small, blue, and used their own magic, meaning they were of course demons. If you can’t see just how evil this show is, then you are more than likely a rational and sane person.

Rainbow Bear

9.) Care Bears

The Carebears spent their time trying to help out people feel emotions. They would see someone who is sad or hurt and try to help them with their “Care Bear Stare.” So what evil could be found in this show? Well, for one, the care bear stare was seen as a type of magic, and so it was inherently evil. Secondly and much more important came with the Rainbow bear. As many people know, the Rainbow is used as a symbol for the gay rights movement and so Rainbow Bear was deemed as a homosexual, only existing in the show to invite your children to the wonders of gay sex. I remember being told, “It seems innocent enough, but they’ll see that rainbow elsewhere and they will be led astray.” Personally, I’ve never seen a rainbow and wondered if dick was yummy, but hey, I’m not the sexually repressed sick individual that comes up with this type of backwards thinking.

Transformers

8.) Transformers

More than meets the eye is what the Christian fundamentalist would say of this show. Transformers are an abomination in several respects. Number one, they come from another planet where machines are the evolved life-form. We all know that humans are the only species that god created and so they must have been created by satan. Secondly,  the transformers are powered by the “allspark.” This is what holds the “soul” of the transformers and is a cube which has symbols on them. A transformer can be good or evil, depending on the nature of the “allspark.” Fundamentalists would say that this is promoting the idea of possession by good or bad spirits, something your child should steer clear from. Lastly, the transformers, transform. It was believed that this might instill some idea that if you don’t like who you are, just make a change and become something different. Fundamentalist churches are incredibly transphobic and the idea was that the transformers might encourage boys and girls to decide to transform into the opposite sex…I know….it’s just plain idiotic…

bart

7.) The Simpsons

A bit of a jump away from the Saturday morning programming, this show was blasted not because of any magical ideas but because it would turn your children into hoodlums. Bart Simpson was seen as the exact opposite of the child that anyone wanted, he swore, he spray painted graffiti, he was brash and disobedient. On top of this, his father was decidedly nonreligious, preferring to spend his Sundays drinking and watching football. To the fundamentalist this was seen as a show that would lead to the complete disintegration of the wholesome and loving family. I can personally remember my mother crying her eyes out when she found out that I was watching The Simpsons with my grandmother. (Strangely enough, The Simpsons is now one of my mothers favorite shows…)

turtles

6.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

This one even came as a shock to me as a child since I was crazy for the turtles. At one point I have every single action figure that they had produced. For a good period of time, the TMNT’s, were my life. Yet to some fundamentalists they were considered as evil for a couple of reasons. First off was that they were mutants. The reason this is evil is that it taught that mutation was possible, a key aspect of evolution. Secondly the turtles were sentient, and so were their numerous friends and adversaries. Animals don’t have souls and so animals like this were seen as an abomination. Strange that the church which promotes a talking snake and donkey would be against other animals exhibiting similar traits. Lastly was a very strange belief. It was rumored that the show emboldened nazi propoganda. This stemmed from an artist who made a puzzle that happened to contain a swastika in the artwork. The puzzle was recalled and it had no real connection to the show but it was enough to get this rumor circulating.

Colorir-Muppet_Babies-00b.png

5.) Muppet Babies

Once again we go back to anthropomorphic animals being a source of evil in the world. Yet the real evil stems from a single episode titled “Nice to have Gnome You.” In this episode the show refers many times to the movies “Labyrinth” and “The Witches” Two movies that were completely banned by most parents in the fundamentalist community. This was seen as the Muppet Babies attempting to push the ideas of witchcraft and sorcery into the minds of children and so it was incredibly evil.

scooby.jpg

4.) Scooby Doo

So this show gets hit from both sides. The first being that each show centers around a haunting presence in a spooky castle, a museum, amusement park, etc… This was seen as promoting the idea of ghosts and spirits, something the church frowns heavily upon. “We are appointed once to die and then judgement,” is something you hear numerous times growing up, so ghosts are not allowed in the picture. The second issue with the show is that the teenagers use logic and reason to expose all of these hauntings as frauds and the magic as simple tricks. This is believed to promote the idea that nothing supernatural exists in the world and thus god cannot exist.

pokemon

3.) Pokemon

A bit later than my own youth was the insurgence of Pokemon onto the scene. Along with it many copy cat shows also emerged. All of these shows were deemed as evil within the church because they promoted harnessing demons for your own purposes. The pokemon were not simply creatures that would fight one another but actual evil beings based around Asian lore and mythology. It was believed that allowing your children to watch the show might invite them to research the myths behind some of the characters and thus turn them into enchanters.

Zelda

2.) The Legend of Zelda

This show was loved by children who loved the game, little more can be said about the show. It was really not that great of a show, featured horrible storylines and the artwork was dull and drab. Yet because the show centered around the magical land of hyrule, the evil Ganon, and the powerful tri-force, the church saw it as just as evil as the game. You might remember an earlier Satanic Sunday post about my mother burning my copy of the game, it can be found here.

He-man

1.) He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

Magic, sorcery, demons, enchanters, evil galore, this show was completely banned in mine and many others households. He-man was said to use dark magic to power himself in an effort to fight the even darker magic of Skeletor. I remember being told so many times that this show was evil that I was actually fearful to watch the show, thinking I might become possessed if I even viewed a single episode. I would hear the theme music and instantly turn the tv off, panting hard from the fear that I almost unwittingly worshiped the devil. Since that time I have gone back and watched the show, it’s completely benign, absolutely nothing that I was told about it was true and yet I still approached it with trepidation upon my first viewing.

There are many other shows that I could have spoken about. This was not meant to be an exhaustive list but simply a way of showing just how superstitious parents were during the 1980’s Satanic scare. If you have others that you feel I should have mentioned, please respond with them in the comments section below. Thank you for reading!