A Pentecostal Atheist Bible Study

A Pentecostal Atheist Bible Study: Cain and Abel

For last weeks article on the Garden of Eden, click here.
If you want to follow along with today’s article, read Genesis Chapter 4.

So after last week, god had kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden for eating some fruit or maybe, if you are to believe some fundamentalists, for having orgasms or sodomy. Anyway, Chapter 4 begins with Adam making sweet sweet, pre-personal hygiene, love to Eve. She then gives birth to Cain. Adam, liking that sweaty sex, goes at it again with her and she gives birth to Abel, and they all lived happily ever after…lol

So anyway, Cain and Abel grow up to the ripe old age of who knows because it doesn’t tell us. Anyway Cain grows crops and Abel raises sheep, good careers for people to have when there are no other people in existence besides Mom and Dad. Though one has to wonder, without women, what was Abel doing with those sheep?

So eventually Abel decided, for no apparent reason at all, to kill one of his sheep and burn it in an offering to god.  Seriously, he just does it, there was no call for it, or a commandment to do so, he just does it. God’s response is, “Holy shit that’s really fucking cool, thanks, bro!”

Cain sees this and so he takes the best of what he has grown from his crops and presents it as a burnt sacrifice to god as well. This time god is like, “Ew….vegetables….I hate vegetables…you fucking suck Cain….” Or at least we have to surmise this because god rejects Cain’s offering for once again, no apparent reason whatsoever.

So Cain gets pissed off and kills his brother. Did he mean to kill his brother? How could one of the first people on Earth even know that it was possible to kill another human being? Outside of animals did they even understand exactly what death was at this point?

So god comes up to Cain, since he still walks around with them and says, “Hey, where the fuck is your brother? Off with one of his sheep again I’d assume?”

Cain says, “How the fuck should I know, am I his babysitter?

God says, “Look mother fucker, I’m omnipresent and shit and I know what you done did, now fess up!”

Cain says, “Geez, fuck, I’m sorry. Just bring him back to life, yo…”

God responds,”You know I can’t do that…I’m cursing you bro, this ground that you till is going to be even less fruitful. Now get out of my fucking face.”

Cain pleads, “But people will know what I did and they will kill me…you know…the people….all of them that don’t exist yet….”

So god marks Cain on his forehead and says any of these nonexistent people who harm you will be harmed way more. Now get out of my face before I get really angry.”

So Cain moves away, finds a nonexistent wife to marry and a bunch of other nonexistent people in the land of Nod. There he has sex with this nonperson, they have a son named Enoch and build a city called Enoch, even more impressive since they couldn’t grow any food due to the initial curse that god had placed on Cain. So it then tells us that Enoch of Enoch has a son, he has a son, and it continues with this genealogy for a bit.

We then get to Lamech who tells his wives, “I’ve killed someone, a young person”….probably a kid…we don’t know.  He then says, “I’m going to be punished even worse than Cain.” We really don’t know anything more about this, it doesn’t explain it, just says he killed someone and will be punished. Story-telling in the bible would take some time to provide actually important information to the plot.

So anyway, we end up back with Adam and Eve, who have some more fun with their naughty bits, and they give birth to Seth. We haven’t and won’t hear of any women being born yet, because the rest of humanity either reproduces asexually at this point or women just aren’t important enough to mention at this point.

So Seth grows up, finds a nonexistent wife and they have a son names Enos. it ends by saying, “then began men to call upon the name of the Lord.” Who the fuck knows what this actually means but it seems like before then people hadn’t prayed. They just killed things and burnt them. I mean praying is better than killing things for no reason, but they still continue burning things for a couple thousand years.

Thus ends the story of Cain and Abel. Now we get to the fun part…what is taught about the story…

So Christians will teach that god denied Cain’s offering because he didn’t give it in the right fashion. They say he was prideful or tried to hold back some of the better fruits of his labor. The bible though gives no such explanation, it simply says, Cain tried giving the offering and god said, “Fuck you Cain.”

One of the funniest things that I have ever been told in regards to this story deals with Cains wife. As you know, there are no other people at this point and yet Cain moves away and finds a wife. I remember sitting in church one Sunday when an evangelist spoke on this passage. It’s going to get weird…

So with no other women, Cain was forced to marry an ape, and all of their descendents were half man, half ape. Their hairy skin was also the mark that would tell people not to mess with any of Cain’s descendants. Due to their shame, the descendents of Cain only live in remote forests and mountainous regions of the world. They are…of course….Bigfoot and Yeti, as well as any of the other legends of large ape like me throughout history.  I remember hearing laughter from others in the church when this was said, and the evangelist getting really angry and stomping around a bit before moving on to something else. So this wasn’t a common belief, just something I thought I would mention because of its humor.

The “real” origin of Bigfoot will have to wait for another time….

3 thoughts on “A Pentecostal Atheist Bible Study: Cain and Abel

  1. I know in the KJV it goes like this: 4:16 And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden. So who were those people in Nod? It’s like the Garden was God’s little experiment.

    Liked by 1 person

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