The Diary Of My Mind

Discouragement and Self-Doubt

Do you ever get discouraged writing your blog? I had a pretty major set back this week that I don’t want to go into but it really made me question if I should even keep writing anymore? I really enjoy writing but at the same time I constantly fight with self doubt. What do you do when these doubts hit you?

Personally when I have an issue I can’t get it off my mind. It constantly swims around poking it’s head up from time to time. In the past I would have simply given up, but part of this blog is about challenging myself to keep going. Part of growing up not knowing I was autistic, was being told by many people that I was simply dumb or lazy. Understanding myself has helped a lot with this but still these same old doubts pop up from time to time. As i said in another post, sometimes I love how my brain works, other times I hate it.

So what are some of the things that you do when you hit these walls?

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Fiction and Stories

Super Tim Goes to School (An ASD Children’s Story)

These stories are based on my own, my nephew, and several friends children. That said they are all based on an ounce of truth. I hope you will enjoy them.


 

Tim Brentwood sat on his porch swing feeling the sun and the wind on his skin. He saw a butterfly pass by and noticed the pretty pattern on the butterfly’s wings. It was a warm summer day and Tim though to himself that it couldn’t get much better than this. However, Tim was scared, at 6 years old Tim’s mother had told him it was time to go to school.

She had told him of all the people he would meet, all the friends he would make, and all the new and cool things that he would learn. A few days earlier, Tim and his mother had visited the school to meet his teacher. Tim’s mom assured him that she was a sweet old lady but Tim saw her as a monster. She seemed too nice, far too sweet to actually be a real person.

As the days grew closer Tim began to get more and more worried. He begged with his mom, “Please don’t make me go to school! I don’t want friends and I already know all I need to!” At night he lay awake scared of all the new things he would be forced to do.  School was a bad idea and if only he could come up with some plan he could save himself the awful experience.

The first day of school came and when his mother went to wake him up, Tim was nowhere to be found. She called out to him and didn’t hear a peep. It took almost ten minutes for her to realize that the pile of blankets in the corner of Tim’s room was a bit too lumpy and that blankets don’t generally breathe.

Tim cried and begged his mom not to make him go, but she bathed him, dressed him, put his backpack on him and then together they waited for the bus to arrive. The bus arrived and Tim’s mother walked him to the door. She kissed him on the head and told him that she would be there when he got home. Tim didn’t believe her, he thought that this was going to be the last day of his life. Nothing had prepared him for something as awful and as overwhelming as school.

He took his seat and almost instantly felt something wet on his neck.

“Bullseye!” Shouted a voice behind him.

Tim felt his neck and came back with a small ball of wet paper, a spit wad.

“Well….aren’t you going to say anything?” The voice from behind him shouted.

Tim turned with tears still in his eyes, “Don’t!’ He shouted as another spit wad hit him between the eyes.

“QUIET DOWN BACK THERE!” Yelled the bus driver.

At the next stop a short round boy got on, he asked Tim if it was ok if he sat there. Tim was far too upset to respond and so the boy sat down.

“My name is George, I like video games!” The short round boy said.

“No point talking to that kid,” shouted the voice from the back “he’s weird or something. Hit em with two spit wads and all he did was cry.”

“Shut up, Maggie.” Said George. “Don’t mind her, she had her braids attached too tight and it just makes her mean.”

That made Tim laugh. The idea of Maggie having her braids attached to her head like some sort of antenna was very funny to Tim.

So do you like video games? Have you ever played Blaster Zone? It’s the best!

“No.” Replied Tim

“Well, some time maybe you can come over and play it with me, I’ll show you all the secrets. I’ve been to the 10th level, even my brother can’t make it to the 10th level.”

Tim wasn’t really interested in games but the fact that George had been able to stop Maggie meant something to him. Before they got off the bus George asked him if they could be friends and Tim agreed. He wasn’t sure that he liked George but protection was something he thought might come in handy at school.

Tim got off the bus and walked through the doors. The bright lights and the sounds of lockers being opened and closed overwhelmed him. He started to cry again but George motioned for him to follow.

“What teacher do you got?” George asked

“Miss Marble” Tim managed to reply.

“Oh, her class is right there. I have Miss Samson, she’s across the hall. Want to sit together at lunch?” George asked

“Ok…” Tim replied

As Tim walked through the door to his classroom, Maggie shoved him.

“Out of my way weirdo!” She said.

Tim didn’t like being called weird. He didn’t think it was very nice and probably something his mom would be very mad about if she knew. Tim decided that he didn’t like Maggie and was going to try his best to stay as far away from her as possible.

Class began and the teacher began talking about something called a roll call. She began saying everyone’s last name and each student said “Here” when she got to their name. Tim’s mind began to wander to a book he had at home that he couldn’t wait to read again. It was all about Dinosaurs, his favorite subject.

“Brentwood.” The teacher said. “Brentwood, Timothy Brentwood.”

Tim was lost in thought, he was thinking about all the teeth that a T-Rex had. How they were used to eat their prey. A few summers back Tim’s dad had brought him home a tooth that was supposed to be from a T-Rex but it was really just plastic. Tim still liked it and it sat on his dresser at home.

“Brentwood,” the teacher once again called out “Tim Brentwood….”TIM!”

This brought Tim out of his thoughts and he replied, “What?”

“Are you here?” The teacher asked.

“I guess…” Replied Tim. The other students began to laugh but Tim didn’t understand why what he had said was funny. He simply went back to his thoughts. A few moments later an absolutely awful thing occurred. A noise, louder than anything Tim had ever heard rang out. It was the school bell but to Tim it was a nightmare. He grabbed his ears and shrieked.

This brought about another series of laughs from his peers and caused the teacher to yell out, “Quiet down everyone!”

“Tim, please come with me.” Miss Marble said “Everyone else, stay quiet.”

“Not even here a day and the weirdo gets taken to the office.” Maggie spoke up.

“That will be quite enough.” Miss Marble said.

Outside the class, Miss Marble asked him if he was ok.

“That noise was really loud, these lights are too bright, and everyone is mean!” Tim said.

“It will be alright…you just come sit by my desk and I will tell you when the bell is about to ring. Ok?” Miss Marble said. So when Tim entered the class he sat down next to Miss Marble and for the rest of the day, before the bell rang, Miss Marble told Tim to cover his ears. She wasn’t the monster that Tim thought, she was actually really nice.

Lunch was loud and Tim had trouble concentrating. George sat down beside him and talked about Blaster Zone the entire time. Soon it was time to head home. He got back on the bus and in a few minutes he was home. His Mom was waiting for him and they walked back into the house.

“Your teacher called me today. She said you had some problems with the noise at school.” His mother said.

“It was awful, but Miss Marble was really nice and she helped me.” Tim told his mother.

His mother took a deep breath and said, “Tim there is something I need to talk to you about.”

“What? Tim asked.

“Tim, we haven’t told you this before, but you have super powers.” His mother said.

“I do?” Tim asked.

“Yes, we didn’t want to tell you until you were old enough that you would only use these powers for good. Would you like to know what they are?

“YES!” Tim yelled

His mother took out a notebook and wrote…

Tim’s Super Powers
1.) Super Hearing
2.) Super Sight
3.) Super Touch
4.) Super Memory
5.) Super Sweet

Tim didn’t like the last one but he guessed it was possible to be super sweet. His mother told him that this is why the lights and the sounds had hurt him today. It also explained why he hated the sweaters that his grandma tried to make him wear at Christmas.

“Now you can only use these powers for good. You promise?” His mom said.

“I promise.” Tim replied.

“Now head up to your room there is a surprise on your bed.” His mother said.

“Tim ran up the stairs and into his room. On the bed there was a cape, the same kind that a super hero would wear and beside them a pair of shaded glasses. Also sitting on the bed was a pair of headphones with a T-Rex on both sides. Tim’s mother walked into the room.

“Every super hero needs a cape.” She said. “And the headphones and glasses will help you control your powers. I’ve talked to your school and they said it is fine for you to wear them while you are there. The cape has to stay home, you must keep your super hero identity a secret.

“I understand! Every hero has a secret identity.” Tim said. “Mom, this mean girl at school called me weird and she shot spit wads at me on the bus.”

“Every hero has villains, it sounds like she might be yours.” “I’ll call and speak to her mother about it. You aren’t weird son, you are super, my super little boy.”

Tim went to bed that night thinking about school. It was bad but not as bad as he had thought it would be. He didn’t like the noise or the lights but George and Miss Marble were nice. He even liked some of the stuff they had taught him. Maybe he would survive school, and with his super powers he knew that he would be far more ready than he was before. He fell asleep looking at his dinosaur book and wearing his T-Rex headphones. The note that Tim’s mother had written was pinned to the wall above his head.  Super heroes, it turns out, need sleep just as much as everyone else.

To continue on to Super Tim’s Next story, click here.

 

Extra-Biblical Teachings

Extra-Biblical Teachings #2: Heaven

For last week’s article Extra-Biblical Teaching: Christian Free-Will, click here.

So Christians will say a lot of things about heaven, all the joys and wonders that they can’t wait to experience when they get there. All of the people they will re-unite with and how it will be a beautiful place where all the joys in the world will be at their fingertips. For all that Christians speak about heaven, you would think that they know an awful lot about it. Yet the Christian idea of heaven and what the bible actually speaks about heaven are totally different thing.

First off is the idea that Christians go to heaven. While it’s true that the bible speaks of those who die today going to a resting place where they await the second coming of Christ and eventual creation of a new world from the one we currently inhabit, is this truly heaven?  Christ is even quotes as saying:

“In My Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and welcome you into My presence, so that you also may be where I am.”  -John 14:2-3

So Christ says he’s going to prepare a place for believers in Heaven. However when we look at the book of revelations we find that the saints, those that have gone to heaven, will return to Earth and here we will exist for all eternity, acting as kings and priests to those alive. So it seems like the bible itself is confused on the topic which is why throughout history, the idea of heaven has been quite a contentious topic for theologians and lay-men alike.

The bible does however speak of some of the things that those who have died as believers will do. Heaven is a place where christian’s will surround the throne of god and worship forever and for all eternity. If that sounds like fun, have at it. Heaven will also be a place where choice is completely removed from the equation. Suppose you are a contrarian like me? The idea of being in constant subjection to god without any choice in whether I continue to serve him or not would be a worse form of hell than anything dictated in scripture.

What enjoyment can be found in being reunited with friends and loved ones if you are never able to discuss anything with them outside of your love and adoration for Kim Jong God? We will also supposedly be like god having a perfect knowledge of all things. This means you will never experience anything new, never create anything better than that which has already been created. No innovations, no inventions, nothing to truly stimulate the mind whatsoever. Part of what makes us human is our want for new ideas and experiences. In a heaven, where all things are known, this ability will be removed from us.

Secondly on this topic, eternity is a long long time. Think of the 13.8 billion years since the expansion of the universe and realize that in regards to an eternity, that is just a drop in the hat. Part of what makes our lives so unique and special is that we are incredibly finite creatures. Usually living less than a full century and yet think of how much we are able to accomplish in that time. An eternity is simply life ad nauseam. It is an idea without any real purpose.

People often think of the idea of life to the atheist as being cold, one and done, yet what makes life better simply because you might have more of it? More life does not equate to a better life, a more fulfilling life, it simply equates to more. Regardless of the idea of heaven, an eternity, is either 100% a robotic form of survival, or an incredibly mind-numbingly dull experience.

Facts are, the bible actually speaks very little about heaven. It also speaks little on Hell, but we at least have a better idea of what hell would be. Yet this will have to wait until next week.  The truth is, whatever you have been told about heaven, it’s almost certainly to fall in the lines of extra-biblical teaching. Even as a child, I found the idea of heaven to be incredibly boring, and today I still do. Add into that the idea of the constant servitude and leader worship that the bible does speak of and heaven becomes the hell that we are told to shun.