A Pentecostal Atheist Bible Study

A Pentecostal Atheist Bible Story: Noah: Part 1

For last weeks Atheist Bible Study, click here.

If you would like to follow along with today’s study read Genesis Chapters 5&6

So today’s study starts with a bunch of genealogy from Adam to Noah. Why do we need this stuff? Maybe just to point out who got laid? It’s really more a way to say that lots of people existed by the time of Noah, lots of wicked and evil people…

Chapter 6

This chapter begins with a bunch of horny angels, seeing just how sweet the women on Earth are and so they take some and impregnate them. The result of these unions are, of course, giants. God gets pissed off because he didn’t remember giving the angels sex organs to begin with. If anyone is going to impregnate a woman, it’s going to be him, but that won’t be for a couple thousand years… It then says that these giants became the men of older myths, which ones? Who knows, but anyway these half angel, half men, were like hercules.

hercules

Now for some reason God gets mad at man, even though he wasn’t the one having sex with angels, and limits their lives to 120 years. He’ll then immediately break this in later chapters but God’s kinda forgetful about his decrees and shit. So man looks at his 120 years and things….this is not enough time to do all the fucking and debauchery done…so man turns their sin on overdrive and gets busy. It states…

“The LORD saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time.” – Genesis 6:5

Now, you might ask yourself at this point. When did god lay out the rules for what was good and what was evil? How could man have any idea on what was sinful and what was good for them to do in the sight of god? Pleasure makes us feel good and pain makes us feel bad so perhaps humans were using this as their guidelines at the time. They had no rulebook, no commandments, it seems like god hadn’t even talked to anyone for several generations, so maybe they assumed that god had been a figment of their ancestors minds?

Yet, god is pissed that they are doing things that he doesn’t like. Instead of simply showing up, like he did numerous times before, and telling them to stop it. He decided that mass murder is the much better and more holy option. Not only that but he decides that he hates man so much that he’s just going to kill everything, and I mean everything…

So the LORD said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.” – Genesis 6-7

platypus.jpg

Take that you fucking platypus, screw you cow, go to hell salamander…God is pissed at man so you gotta go too! Who knows, maybe angels saw the sheep and did with them as they had with the human women? I mean is that any worse? Angels and Humans are different species or being as it is so maybe angels were just busy fucking anything that their light penises could penetrate?

Anyway,  so it says God decided to kill everything, ….

But Noah found favor in the eyes of the LORD. -Genesis 6:8

It goes on to say that Noah is a righteous guy, who walks with God. How is he righteous? Who knows? Once again there is no rule book or guidelines, so we are to assume that Noah was just really lucky.

So anyway, the next section says that God goes to Noah and says…

shrugged.jpg

“Hey, Noah… I am really pissed off at man and I don’t like how violent man is!” Noah nods and then god goes on and says, “So since they are all so violent I’ve decided to kill them all…”

Now, why at this point does Noah not ask if god understands the difference between a little violence and complete genocide, but he doesn’t. God then tells Noah to build a boat and it has to be to his specific standards. Since we now have a representation of such a boat in Kentucky and can say conclusively that this boat would never float, Noah should have been skeptical. Seriously a wooden boat this large would be torn to shreds by the action of the waves.

Anyway, god gives Noah all of these directions about the boat and then tells Noah he has to get 2 of every animal in order to save them from the flood. We will find in a later chapter that god actually wants Noah to take 7 of every clean animal and 2 of every unclean animal. Now just remember this because there is no rule book yet for Noah to know what a clean or unclean animal is. As far as we know, according to scripture, man is still subsisting on a vegetarian diet, not being given the ability to eat meat from god yet. So clean and unclean would be absolutely meaningless to Noah.

Anyway it then says that Noah does everything that god commanded him to do. That’s what you do when an omnipotent being threatens the entire world with murder, you get shit done and do it as fast as possible. It’s not like Noah had any choice in this matter, it was either do it or die…How’s that for Free-will?

Now, a question you might ask yourself here is why would god need to flood the earth in order to kill everything?

lazy god

Isn’t this a being that simply spoke creation into existence? Couldn’t he just have easily spoken creation out of existence? If he wanted to start over with Noah, then he could have just as easily said, “Humans, be gone except Noah and his family. Animals, be gone except enough to repopulate.” Yet, no, the only way he can do it now is through mass murder. God’s gotten kinda lazy by now and I guess has forgotten that he is capable of speaking things into or out of existence.

So now, how is this taught in the churches that I’ve attended?

Well for one, it is never mentioned that god hadn’t actually set any rules for man at this point. It is often assumed that anything in the old testament is under the old testament law, and yet that supposedly hasn’t been written yet. So none of the people before the flood could have been said to be breaking any rules that had been set up by god.

The other thing that we are told is that, once again, the sins that the people were said to be committing was homosexuality. It seems that no matter what the story is, fundamentalists will inject a healthy amount of butt sex into it. What does that tell us about fundamentalists? Anyway, there is nothing to point to this in the story yet many Pentecostal ministers will point to this story as being the eventual effect of rampant homosexuality. This is also where fundamentalists get the idea that natural disasters are explicitly due to the sins of mankind and in no way due to anything natural. It’s dumb but it’s true that many teach it this way…

Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed the first part to this story and will stick around for future developments in Noah’s weird relationship with god. This is the first story with a bit more narrative and explanation, so the writers of the bible are getting better, it just took some time. Thank you for reading.

Satanic Sundays

Satanic Sunday #7: Professional Wrestling

For last weeks Satanic Sunday, click here.

Today’s article isn’t necessarily about the thing in total. Professional wrestling was something that my family enjoyed weekly and many of the people in the churches I went to enjoyed it as well. This is more about specific wrestlers that were considered Satanic and so if they came on the TV, my mother would turn the TV off. The funny thing is that while we weren’t able to watch these wrestlers if my mother was in the room, just the fact that mom didn’t want us watching them made them some of mine and my brothers favorite wrestlers growing up.

brother-love

5.) Brother Love

In an era where wrestling was family friendly and fun, Brother Love seemed to be a stand out character. He wasn’t really over the top so much as he was a direct parody of Jimmy Swaggart. Being raised Pentecostal, Brother Love was seen as incredibly evil. He would come to the ring with music that was of a gospel style and his catchphrase, “I Looooooooo-Veeeeee Yooooooooouuuuuu.” Played up on the way that many preachers turn the word god into a triple syllable word. Brother love did an excellent job playing the role of a 1980’s televangelist and so when his music hit, our tv went off.

Shango

4.) Papa Shango

Papa Shango was a voodoo priest. He would cast spells on his opponents causing them to become paralyzed and an easy victim to him. Even seeing a bad representation of voodoo was enough to turn your kids into Satan worshiping freaks so whenever Papa Shango came on the TV, it was once again turned off. The thing about this gimmick was that it was incredibly silly when you really think about it but incredibly frightening to christian parents. Charles Wright, the man who played Shango, would be a mainstay in the WWF/WWE for much of the next two decades, playing several different gimmicks. Probably most famous now for playing, “The Godfather,” however the taboo that was Papa Shango made him a favorite in my mind as a child.

Raven

3.) Raven

Raven was a character that portrayed the loner, the guy that was intelligent and well spoken but was naturally misanthropic. I absolutely loved Raven when I was growing up and he was much of the reason why i became such a fan of ECW. The problem with Raven wasn’t so much that he was evil, but comes from the video clip below.

By crucifying the Sandman, Raven was seen as an insult to christianity and so was completely evil from that point on. I remember my mother seeing this clip and completely banning me from watching ECW. Little did she know but I still stayed up late and watched the show when it aired on the local sports channel around 3am.

Kevin Sullivan

4.) Kevin Sullivan

Kevin Sullivan is a bit of a detour for me on this list as I initially did not like him. In fact, no other wrester in all the time I watched, scared me more than Sullivan did. Sullivan played the role of a demonic cult leader, the likes of Charles Manson, and was actually meant as a direct parody of those who were worried about the satanic scare. He was such a mean and convincing guy that I literally thought he might leap out of the screen and take my soul if I watched him. So unlike the rest, when I saw Kevin Sullivan on the TV, I would turn it off.

Later in life I grew an appreciation for Sullivan and his technical skill in the ring. Now we all know that wrestling isn’t real but it takes talent to really get the response you want from the fans. Sullivan was an absolute beast at doing this and so now I appreciate him for that.

Undertaker

5.) The Undertaker

I’ll never forget watching my mother cry when she heard that my brother and I were fans of the Undertaker. At the time he was feuding with Hulk Hogan, all that was good in the world was based in Hogan’s character, so in this feud it was portrayed as Good vs Evil. However, the Undertaker was such a monster and a menacing force that you couldn’t help but love the character. My mother saw this as her children turning from the good to the bad and she prayed that we would stop liking the Undertaker. Professional Wrestling was even banned in our home for a short while because of the Undertakers growing popularity. Eventually though, we started watching again and even my mother started to enjoy watching the Undertaker, especially during his feud with Yokozuna.


I rarely watch professional wrestling anymore and if I do it is the old school variety of stuff that I have spoken about in today’s article. I still enjoy each of these wrestlers and all that they did in the ring. It seems funny to me that at one point they were so feared by the christian world and yet now are just figments of the past for a form of entertainment that has been around for a long time. Professional Wrestling still holds a dear spot in my heart, it was something my entire family enjoyed. I remember many Saturday Nights going to my grandmother’s house to watch WCW Wrestling on TBS. So I hope you have enjoyed today’s article. If you feel I missed someone who should have been included, please mention it in the comments below. Thanks!