The Diary Of My Mind

Does Crying Physically Hurt You?

Oh how I hate emotions. Not so much the fact that my mind is almost constantly swimming in them, but the fact that I am so damn awful at expressing them. Along with ASD I also have SPD which, in the simplest terms, means that I am withdrawn from society and relatively flat when it comes to showing emotion. By and large I live a life of pretend even though I hate it. I smile and laugh, I frown and act upset when I hear something that is seen as sad but in reality on an emotional level I’m a blank canvas to the outside world.

When I do actually get to the point that my emotions break the surface they can be pretty severe in nature. Sadness actually makes the world seem dark and I might turn on every light yet still feel as if I am in a dark room. Anger can make me see red and I am likely to tear into someone with a verbal assault that I will ultimately regret for years afterward. The real issue though is crying…

When I cry, my whole body hurts. Is it that way for everyone? My back aches, my joints feel like they become a piece of welded steel, and my head pounds. The tear feel like daggers as they leave my eyes. Crying hurts so badly that I try my best to almost never do it. People say crying is therapeutic but to me it is horrible.

The other problem is once I start I have an incredibly difficult time stopping. I can at times bawl for hours and then all of a sudden it stops. I go back to my norm and you would be none the wiser that I had just spent the last several hours crying.

People believe that I have no emotions. That I’m cold, callused or heartless but in reality I just don’t understand the vast array of emotions. I understand the extremes but it is those pieces in between that are confusing to me. A lot of the time I am simply level, not really physically experiencing anything when it comes to my emotions. Mentally I might get stuck on the same thought for several days filled with the emotions of that thought. My emotions though are almost totally within my thoughts. I think with most people there are both mental and physical changes with emotions or at least it seems that way.

Anyway, yep…I hate emotions…