The Diary Of My Mind · Uncategorized

Life Is Sacred With A Capital FU

I haven’t blogged in a few days and it’s because I have been angry. I wanted to wait a bit to calm down and collect my thoughts. My family is experiencing a tragedy and to make matters worse, my grandfather, the figurehead of religion in the family, is making matters much worse.

My grandmother is dying, I wrote about this a bit a few days ago but now I will expound upon that. She is dying from cirrhosis of the liver. Now my grandmother has never drank an ounce in her life, so when we found out that her liver we were pretty confounded. The doctors believe that she contracted Hepatitis C in the late 70’s/early 1980’s from a blood transfusion she received back then. My grandmother has also had several strokes which has left her unable to walk and take care of herself.

Her liver and kidneys have failed her, she is in constant pain, her body is filling with toxins and eventually she will pass away from Sepsis, hopefully sooner rather than later according to the doctors.  She is a strong woman and has regained consciousness since I last wrote. When family is in the room she acts strong, but the nurses have said as soon as the family leaves, she cries and begs for god to kill her.

To make matters much worse, my grandfather has spent the last two years trying his best to make her life a living hell. She needs 24 hour care, which she can get in a home, but my grandfather, a selfish bastard, takes her out of the home because he doesn’t want the state to take the small amount that they do from her social security check. In the past, when she was in the home she would get better, then he takes her out and she gets much worse within days.  During this stay the nurses and doctors found three fractures in her back that they believe she got from falling out of bed and not being taken to the hospital.

Anyway, the doctors recommended she be put into hospice which would at least make her last bit of time comfortable. This is also the only way that she can receive the pain medication she needs. My grandmother signed off on the hospice papers but my grandfather swooped in and claimed that she was mentally unstable and killed the hospice paperwork. She has been placed into a care facility until the 23rd when he will once again get her out and probably kill her this time.

I hate him… He was once someone who I respected. I wouldn’t even have become a minister if it hadn’t been for his prophecy and his pushing me throughout life. I always viewed him as a godly man and something to aspire to. Now I know that he is nothing but a disgusting narcissistic bastard who never deserved respect from me or anyone else.

With all of that said, I get to the point of this article. Life isn’t fucking sacred. Life is an absolute mess where you come into it shitting yourself and often leave it shitting yourself.  Life contains so much suffering I cannot possibly understand anyone who claims anything sacred to its workings. Life includes pain, anguish, depression, agony, famine, disease, murder, rape, and those are just to name a few of the awful things we can experience. What is sacred about those things?

Human life is obviously less sacred than the lives of our animal companions, since in most parts of the world it is against the law to choose to end your own life, even in cases where the cessation of life is the only thing to end the constant pain and agony that certain chronic conditions can leave a person in. If you went to someones house and their dog was in the corner, waling in agony from some chronic disease that will kill it, you would think that your friend was a monster if they didn’t take it and have it put to sleep. Yet, we don’t afford our sickest people the right to choose that for themselves?

I want to be clear, I am not advocating making the choice for someone else, this would only be an option in the most extreme cases. I could see allowing a family to make this decision for another, much in the same way that a family can choose now to pull the plug on a dying family member. If it is the most compassionate option, then it should be on the table. Why do we force sick and dying people to experience as much pain as possible before nature takes its course?

Life isn’t sacred, but there are good parts to it. The beginning and the end of life are fucking awful but yet there is beauty and wonder to life. I will always fondly remember the time that I spent with my grandmother growing up, the times I have spent with my children, the time I spend with Jennifer. Yet a large portion of life just sucks.

Anyway, I know I rambled a bit, I’m still upset about the whole situation but wanted to write something tonight. I promise to get back on schedule soon, but at the moment it just isn’t possible. Thank you for reading.

 

 

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