The Diary Of My Mind

Why I Can’t Write.

My brain is on a senseless shuffle
I see no end in sight
life is an endless boiling bubble
emotions are my plight…

I honestly cannot tell you how I feel at the moment, which doesn’t equate well to a decent blog. I’ve been in shut down mode for the past two weeks. All I have done is played a video game and sat quietly allowing my brain to be in complete down time. This is what I do when my brain gets too much information for it to handle. Many people enjoy music, reading, a productive hobby that produces something, for me it’s video games.

At one point in my life I didn’t understand why I played video games so damn much, yet today I get it. When I am in a game I don’t have to worry about the outside world. I am one with the game. In a way, it is almost a spiritual experience, if you wanted to use those words. I’ve meditated in the past and that feeling of complete quiet and content emptiness is the same that I can get after a two-hour gaming session.

So that’s what I’ve done for the last two weeks. I start the day with the intent to write but as the hours go by and the bullshit builds up I end up in the same state where I was the day before. Why? The reason is I honestly don’t know how I should feel at the moment.

I’m still grasping my official diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, what that means to me and what my next steps are? Having that diagnosis was a liberating experience and yet as the last few weeks have gone by I have had more and more trouble using the old coping mechanisms that I learned throughout life. Three times in the last week I have gone mute, not just quiet but physically incapable of talking for a period of time. This honestly has not happened to me in years.

On top of that my grandmother is still slowly dying in hospice. Her mind has now gone completely and she spends her waking moments crying for her mother to come and rescue her. She hasn’t eaten a thing in two days and the nurses say she has somehow forgotten how to drink liquid. It won’t be long now but I know that she is in agony. I love my grandmother and hate seeing her in this much pain. I only hope her pain will soon be over.

On top of that my grandfather is still an asshole. He has done nothing but make matters worse. Constantly saying he is going to get her out of hospice care as soon as he can and how much of a burden she has caused him when it comes to the bills. It’s all a lie and only meant to make people feel sorry for him. He loves control and this is just one more way that he believes he can maintain control over her life at least for a short time more.

Speaking of that, I have no idea how to reconcile the good memories I have of my grandfather with the new image of him that I have today. I spent summers at my grandparents and loved fishing, early mornings with my grandfather. We spent hours on the bank fishing for bass, crappie, catfish and carp; my grandfather had a special dough bait recipe that he has made for years which was magical when it comes to carp and catfish.

He also taught me how to haggle at garage sales and taught me a lot of what I needed to know when I was early in the ministry. Hell, I wouldn’t even have been a minister if it hadn’t been for my grandfather. I spent a huge portion of my life trying to make him proud which I think I did but now all of that time spent sickens me. I cannot believe that I held him in such high regards for so long after what I know and have witnessed the last couple of years.

To make matters even worse, I have just learned that I have severe sleep apnea. On Wednesday i went to the hospital for a split sleep study. For someone to be considered to have severe apnea they must have 30 or more apnea episodes, periods of the brain waking up for 10 second or more, in an hour. I had 67 apnea episodes. The person conducting the sleep study then hooked me up to a CPAP machine and I was out like a light. The two hours I was connected to the machine were the two best hours of sleep I can honestly remember. I woke up without a headache, something that never happens, and had more energy throughout the day than I have had in a long time.

Anyway, so now I am waiting to speak with my doctor and get my CPAP ordered. The person at the sleep study said that a CPAP wouldn’t just help me but was incredibly important for my long-term health. This has me a bit freaked out but to be honest the worst part is that knowing I can wake up without a headache has made my last few morning headaches ten times worse.

So anyway, I’m mad, I’m confused, I’m not sleeping well and I wish I could make sense of life. I’m hoping to get back into writing soon but the time for that, outside of this article, just hasn’t arrived yet. Maybe soon, but not at the moment. Thank you for bearing with me and your continued support.


6 thoughts on “Why I Can’t Write.

  1. Oh Matt, I’m so sorry πŸ’žπŸ’ž. This sounds like such a rough time. You’re grappling with a whole lot right now. I can relate, as an adult-diagnosed Aspie/autistic, who lost a grandfather 2 years ago and an aunt this summer. And my maternal grandmother is getting very elderly and my parents have both shown many (and faster) signs of aging. It can be frightening and overwhelming at times. And other times, very sad (and often, still overwhelming!). I can’t say I know how you feel, because we’re different people, but I can say I’ve been in a similar position and I know how it *can* feel. I’m sending you positive thoughts of strength and peace, for whatever they might be worth 🌷 Please please feel free to contact me, through the Contact page on my main Aspie blog (Silent Wave) any time you need or want to talk, vent, need a listening ear, or anything else. I’m here. Thank you so much for the update; I can imagine that it wasn’t easy to write. Above all, please keep taking care of You. πŸ’šπŸ’™

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. It’s been really rough the last few weeks. My focus has been off the whole time. Hard to get through a day when your mind is racing the entire time. Hoping this week will be better.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Matt,
    I’ve been following your blog for awhile and really enjoy it. Weird coincidence but I just got my cpap this last Thursday. I have only slept two nights with it and can already tell it is going to change my life. For the past 5+ years I have been feeling worse and worse, almost exactly a year ago I quit smoking thinking that would help but I felt just as bad. I have been put on medication for depression and have had this feeling of being overwhelmed by everything. I was constantly tired and taking several naps a day. I can’t explain how much better I feel in just two days …. my mind is clearer, I actually wake up feeling rested and not groggy I haven’t felt that in years. I can also tell it is going to do good things for my attitude too. I think you are going to be so glad you took action to get a cpap. I actually have an autopap that changes pressure throughout the night, also using the nose only mask. Let us know how things go.
    Good Luck,

    Liked by 1 person

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