So tonight I wanted to talk a little bit about heaven. Heaven to me is a good book, a rainy day, a warm house, and a good blowjob…but I’m not as flexible as I used to be…
Anyway in all seriousness the idea of heaven has always bothered me to some degree. Thinking back there was never really a time that I was a Christian due to the hope of heaven, I was a Christian more so due to the fear of hell, however, heaven was just as unappealing to me. Now you might be saying, but heaven is the perfect place to exist where there is no pain, no sadness, no fear, and no death. All of your friends and family are supposedly there and you get to spend eternity with them. Yes, I know the stories of how wonderful heaven is supposed to be but let me explain why it is truly awful when you think about it.
Eternity Is A Long Time
For starters, let’s talk about life. Humans live on average between 70 to 80 years and then we die. The vast majority of people on earth will tell you that life is short and in the grand scheme of things it is but think of all the time you spend during those 70-80 years doing absolutely nothing. Life is so damn boring that we all spend several hours each day in our beds, simulating death, to stave off the horrific boredom that life can be at times. Now I want you to think about eternity, not 80 years, not 800 years, 8000 years, 8 million or 8 billion years but a never-ending eternity.
Can you imagine the amount of time that you would spend in an eternity doing absolutely nothing? It would equate to slightly less than an eternity. So the sheer boredom of heaven would equate to a hell given enough time. Any sane individual would lose their mind after a few millennia and spend the rest of eternity as a gibberish spewing sponge laying on a street which is for some reason made of gold…
Nothing Would Ever Be New
One of the things that I was told about heaven is that when we get there we will know everything. The primary reason for this is that learning is a struggle and since there are no struggles in heaven, we will never have to learn anything. Basically if you want to learn kung fu, you’ll instantly know kung fu. Heaven is promoted like that scene in the matrix where Neo is learning skills and so they are simply downloading information into his mind.
Even if we were able to learn in heaven we most go back to the original issue, eternity. Given an eternity worth of time you would be able to learn absolutely everything there is to know and still have an eternity left over. So imagine spending trillions of years twiddling your thumbs not able to learn or experience anything new. Nothing exciting happens because there is no fear or risk in heaven and so you sit there, content with the knowledge that even though your are a crazy person spewing gibberish while lying on the streets of gold, you are a well informers gibberish spewing mess.
Endless Worship Would Fucking Blow
So imagine visiting a friend’s house and every few minutes your friend expects you to thank him for allowing you to visit his home. Would you want to visit that friend? I think not and yet the bible speaks of believers endlessly praising god in heaven. Forever, thanking him for creating the place that is supposedly better than the first place he created which he somehow fucked up by giving humans free-will. That to me sounds a bit crazy. As Christopher Hitchens called it, “a celestial North Korea.”
Now I understand what some might say that you won’t actually be worshiping god 24/7, you’ll praise him while you go about your life and duties in heaven. However going back to the first two points, this would become hellish. Imagine the universe as a gigantic prison, you want to escape but have no hope of ever doing so, maybe on Thursday you try hanging yourself but after decades of hanging by a rope feeling no pain or discomfort you get down and thank god for giving you a place to exist free of the ability and right to die.
Choice Does Not Exist In Heaven
So let’s look to the beginning or what Christians say the beginning was like. A perfect world with no pain, no death, no suffering, no want, no fear, and yet humans fucked it all up because we exercised free-will and brought about our destruction. Now let’s fast forward to heaven and we are faced with two options…
A.) Humanity exists in heaven and still has free-will which would lead to the possibility of a second fall of man and so the whole cycle would begin again.
B.) The humanity that exists in heaven are automatons that have no freedom of choice and are incapable of making any decision that might bring the whole thing down.
Those are your choices and since heaven is supposedly never-ending it would appear that the only real choice is option B. So while you might exist in this perfect realm you would have no freedom or ability to rebel and would be bound to an endless life of forced worship and servitude.
Pain and Suffering Actually Improve Our Lives
Pain and Suffering suck, but when pain and suffering end we experience happiness and contentment. Think of all the times you have heard an elderly person speak of the good old days and they will often be talking about one of the hardest portions of their life which gave way to a better period of life. Using my life as an example, I look back at my twenties and see how hard I struggled. Today in my mid-30’s my bills are paid, my life is less stressful, and I am able to enjoy my contentment with life more fully now than I could when i was 20. If I hadn’t gone through what I had earlier in life I wouldn’t be as happy with my life now.
In heaven there is no pain or suffering. You’ll never go through a struggle and make it out to the other side. You’ll never gain life experience and be better off than you were in years past. From the moment you reach heaven you will be as perfect as you will ever be.
On top of this I have often heard heaven referred to as a land of a cloudless day. Well fuck that, I’m light-sensitive and the days that I like best are cloudy and rainy. Most people don’t like rainy days and so when the clouds break they experience joy with the coming sun. Imagine a life where even the simple joy of experiencing a change in the weather no longer exists… Change adds sweetness to life and yet it will be completely non-existent in heaven.
An Eternity With Some Folks Would Get Old Really Quick
So imagine you find yourself in heaven, you’re all prepared to spend a few thousand years soaking up the sun when you find that your annoying neighbor converted on their deathbed and so now you get to spend eternity with the neighbor that always threw their leaves onto your lawn. Does that sound like fun, no? Well it gets worse…
Imagine you’re a small child that was murdered, you’re running and playing on the streets of gold when around a corner steps your murderer. A prison chaplain prayed with him before his death and so now eternity is spent with your murderer….oh joy!
Pedophiles forced to live with those that touched them. Abusive spouses spend eternity with the spouse they abused. People that pronounce Parmesan Cheese as Par-me-sian….Heaven is going to be filled with absolutely awful people.
A Child Who Hates Heaven
I remember being a young child and asking my mother what heaven was going to be like. She told me it would be a wonderful place filled with joy and peace. I asked if there would be toys in heaven and she said there would be but that they would be toys that weren’t violent in nature, so no toy guns or anything like that. I asked if there would be video games and she said there might be but they would all be based on Bible heroes and religious in nature. I looked at her and at the ripe old age of 7 told said….”Oh so only the boring ones….”
I remember spending a great deal of time contemplating heaven while I grew up and it always just sounded awful. As I stated one of the only pro’s that I saw for heaven was that it wasn’t hell and hell was a place that we desperately needed to fear. No one would want to go to hell a place of eternal punishment and torture and so I believed, and expected to get to a place so boring that I might at least spend eternity as a gibberish spewing crazy person balled up upon the streets made of gold.