A Pentecostal Atheist Bible Study

A Pentecostal Atheist Bible Story: Noah: Part 1

For last weeks Atheist Bible Study, click here.

If you would like to follow along with today’s study read Genesis Chapters 5&6

So today’s study starts with a bunch of genealogy from Adam to Noah. Why do we need this stuff? Maybe just to point out who got laid? It’s really more a way to say that lots of people existed by the time of Noah, lots of wicked and evil people…

Chapter 6

This chapter begins with a bunch of horny angels, seeing just how sweet the women on Earth are and so they take some and impregnate them. The result of these unions are, of course, giants. God gets pissed off because he didn’t remember giving the angels sex organs to begin with. If anyone is going to impregnate a woman, it’s going to be him, but that won’t be for a couple thousand years… It then says that these giants became the men of older myths, which ones? Who knows, but anyway these half angel, half men, were like hercules.

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Now for some reason God gets mad at man, even though he wasn’t the one having sex with angels, and limits their lives to 120 years. He’ll then immediately break this in later chapters but God’s kinda forgetful about his decrees and shit. So man looks at his 120 years and things….this is not enough time to do all the fucking and debauchery done…so man turns their sin on overdrive and gets busy. It states…

“The LORD saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time.” – Genesis 6:5

Now, you might ask yourself at this point. When did god lay out the rules for what was good and what was evil? How could man have any idea on what was sinful and what was good for them to do in the sight of god? Pleasure makes us feel good and pain makes us feel bad so perhaps humans were using this as their guidelines at the time. They had no rulebook, no commandments, it seems like god hadn’t even talked to anyone for several generations, so maybe they assumed that god had been a figment of their ancestors minds?

Yet, god is pissed that they are doing things that he doesn’t like. Instead of simply showing up, like he did numerous times before, and telling them to stop it. He decided that mass murder is the much better and more holy option. Not only that but he decides that he hates man so much that he’s just going to kill everything, and I mean everything…

So the LORD said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.” – Genesis 6-7

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Take that you fucking platypus, screw you cow, go to hell salamander…God is pissed at man so you gotta go too! Who knows, maybe angels saw the sheep and did with them as they had with the human women? I mean is that any worse? Angels and Humans are different species or being as it is so maybe angels were just busy fucking anything that their light penises could penetrate?

Anyway,  so it says God decided to kill everything, ….

But Noah found favor in the eyes of the LORD. -Genesis 6:8

It goes on to say that Noah is a righteous guy, who walks with God. How is he righteous? Who knows? Once again there is no rule book or guidelines, so we are to assume that Noah was just really lucky.

So anyway, the next section says that God goes to Noah and says…

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“Hey, Noah… I am really pissed off at man and I don’t like how violent man is!” Noah nods and then god goes on and says, “So since they are all so violent I’ve decided to kill them all…”

Now, why at this point does Noah not ask if god understands the difference between a little violence and complete genocide, but he doesn’t. God then tells Noah to build a boat and it has to be to his specific standards. Since we now have a representation of such a boat in Kentucky and can say conclusively that this boat would never float, Noah should have been skeptical. Seriously a wooden boat this large would be torn to shreds by the action of the waves.

Anyway, god gives Noah all of these directions about the boat and then tells Noah he has to get 2 of every animal in order to save them from the flood. We will find in a later chapter that god actually wants Noah to take 7 of every clean animal and 2 of every unclean animal. Now just remember this because there is no rule book yet for Noah to know what a clean or unclean animal is. As far as we know, according to scripture, man is still subsisting on a vegetarian diet, not being given the ability to eat meat from god yet. So clean and unclean would be absolutely meaningless to Noah.

Anyway it then says that Noah does everything that god commanded him to do. That’s what you do when an omnipotent being threatens the entire world with murder, you get shit done and do it as fast as possible. It’s not like Noah had any choice in this matter, it was either do it or die…How’s that for Free-will?

Now, a question you might ask yourself here is why would god need to flood the earth in order to kill everything?

lazy god

Isn’t this a being that simply spoke creation into existence? Couldn’t he just have easily spoken creation out of existence? If he wanted to start over with Noah, then he could have just as easily said, “Humans, be gone except Noah and his family. Animals, be gone except enough to repopulate.” Yet, no, the only way he can do it now is through mass murder. God’s gotten kinda lazy by now and I guess has forgotten that he is capable of speaking things into or out of existence.

So now, how is this taught in the churches that I’ve attended?

Well for one, it is never mentioned that god hadn’t actually set any rules for man at this point. It is often assumed that anything in the old testament is under the old testament law, and yet that supposedly hasn’t been written yet. So none of the people before the flood could have been said to be breaking any rules that had been set up by god.

The other thing that we are told is that, once again, the sins that the people were said to be committing was homosexuality. It seems that no matter what the story is, fundamentalists will inject a healthy amount of butt sex into it. What does that tell us about fundamentalists? Anyway, there is nothing to point to this in the story yet many Pentecostal ministers will point to this story as being the eventual effect of rampant homosexuality. This is also where fundamentalists get the idea that natural disasters are explicitly due to the sins of mankind and in no way due to anything natural. It’s dumb but it’s true that many teach it this way…

Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed the first part to this story and will stick around for future developments in Noah’s weird relationship with god. This is the first story with a bit more narrative and explanation, so the writers of the bible are getting better, it just took some time. Thank you for reading.

A Pentecostal Atheist Bible Study

A Pentecostal Atheist Bible Study: Cain and Abel

For last weeks article on the Garden of Eden, click here.
If you want to follow along with today’s article, read Genesis Chapter 4.

So after last week, god had kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden for eating some fruit or maybe, if you are to believe some fundamentalists, for having orgasms or sodomy. Anyway, Chapter 4 begins with Adam making sweet sweet, pre-personal hygiene, love to Eve. She then gives birth to Cain. Adam, liking that sweaty sex, goes at it again with her and she gives birth to Abel, and they all lived happily ever after…lol

So anyway, Cain and Abel grow up to the ripe old age of who knows because it doesn’t tell us. Anyway Cain grows crops and Abel raises sheep, good careers for people to have when there are no other people in existence besides Mom and Dad. Though one has to wonder, without women, what was Abel doing with those sheep?

So eventually Abel decided, for no apparent reason at all, to kill one of his sheep and burn it in an offering to god.  Seriously, he just does it, there was no call for it, or a commandment to do so, he just does it. God’s response is, “Holy shit that’s really fucking cool, thanks, bro!”

Cain sees this and so he takes the best of what he has grown from his crops and presents it as a burnt sacrifice to god as well. This time god is like, “Ew….vegetables….I hate vegetables…you fucking suck Cain….” Or at least we have to surmise this because god rejects Cain’s offering for once again, no apparent reason whatsoever.

So Cain gets pissed off and kills his brother. Did he mean to kill his brother? How could one of the first people on Earth even know that it was possible to kill another human being? Outside of animals did they even understand exactly what death was at this point?

So god comes up to Cain, since he still walks around with them and says, “Hey, where the fuck is your brother? Off with one of his sheep again I’d assume?”

Cain says, “How the fuck should I know, am I his babysitter?

God says, “Look mother fucker, I’m omnipresent and shit and I know what you done did, now fess up!”

Cain says, “Geez, fuck, I’m sorry. Just bring him back to life, yo…”

God responds,”You know I can’t do that…I’m cursing you bro, this ground that you till is going to be even less fruitful. Now get out of my fucking face.”

Cain pleads, “But people will know what I did and they will kill me…you know…the people….all of them that don’t exist yet….”

So god marks Cain on his forehead and says any of these nonexistent people who harm you will be harmed way more. Now get out of my face before I get really angry.”

So Cain moves away, finds a nonexistent wife to marry and a bunch of other nonexistent people in the land of Nod. There he has sex with this nonperson, they have a son named Enoch and build a city called Enoch, even more impressive since they couldn’t grow any food due to the initial curse that god had placed on Cain. So it then tells us that Enoch of Enoch has a son, he has a son, and it continues with this genealogy for a bit.

We then get to Lamech who tells his wives, “I’ve killed someone, a young person”….probably a kid…we don’t know.  He then says, “I’m going to be punished even worse than Cain.” We really don’t know anything more about this, it doesn’t explain it, just says he killed someone and will be punished. Story-telling in the bible would take some time to provide actually important information to the plot.

So anyway, we end up back with Adam and Eve, who have some more fun with their naughty bits, and they give birth to Seth. We haven’t and won’t hear of any women being born yet, because the rest of humanity either reproduces asexually at this point or women just aren’t important enough to mention at this point.

So Seth grows up, finds a nonexistent wife and they have a son names Enos. it ends by saying, “then began men to call upon the name of the Lord.” Who the fuck knows what this actually means but it seems like before then people hadn’t prayed. They just killed things and burnt them. I mean praying is better than killing things for no reason, but they still continue burning things for a couple thousand years.

Thus ends the story of Cain and Abel. Now we get to the fun part…what is taught about the story…

So Christians will teach that god denied Cain’s offering because he didn’t give it in the right fashion. They say he was prideful or tried to hold back some of the better fruits of his labor. The bible though gives no such explanation, it simply says, Cain tried giving the offering and god said, “Fuck you Cain.”

One of the funniest things that I have ever been told in regards to this story deals with Cains wife. As you know, there are no other people at this point and yet Cain moves away and finds a wife. I remember sitting in church one Sunday when an evangelist spoke on this passage. It’s going to get weird…

So with no other women, Cain was forced to marry an ape, and all of their descendents were half man, half ape. Their hairy skin was also the mark that would tell people not to mess with any of Cain’s descendants. Due to their shame, the descendents of Cain only live in remote forests and mountainous regions of the world. They are…of course….Bigfoot and Yeti, as well as any of the other legends of large ape like me throughout history.  I remember hearing laughter from others in the church when this was said, and the evangelist getting really angry and stomping around a bit before moving on to something else. So this wasn’t a common belief, just something I thought I would mention because of its humor.

The “real” origin of Bigfoot will have to wait for another time….

A Pentecostal Atheist Bible Study

A Pentecostal Atheist Bible Study: The Garden Of Eden

So just to let everyone know, this study will not be a verse by verse exposition style study of the bible. I wouldn’t want to bore you with that. What this series of articles will be is an explanation of how these stories were described to me, as well as how I taught it during my time as a minister. Within various Pentecostal denominations, the stories of the bible can be taught in many different ways. Some churches choose to teach them exactly as they are written, others teach the stories as allegories, while still others add their own strange spin. I will try to describe all of these as best as I can.


If you would like to follow along, this article deals with chapters 1-3 of Genesis.

playdoh

Chapter 1: Let’s Make Some Shit!

So the book of genesis begins with the creation story, first god moves over the face of the waters seeing that the earth is formless. So he decides to do something about that…Now some will ask, how did he just happen to come across this giant water planet, well that is explained by how you view the first verse of this chapter.

“In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.”

So if you are a biblical literalist, you read this scripture as god created the earth and then he moved over it. If you are an allegorist you teach that this was billions of years after the big bang and so the earth had cooled and was covered in water. Either way the earth is already made when god begins his real creation work.

So to give a synopsis of creation.

Day 1: Light
Day 2: The Firmament (We live in a giant dome…)
Day 3: Dry Land and plants
Day 4:  Two big light bulbs, the sun and the moon.
Day 5:  Fish and Birds
Day 6: All the animals and humankind

Now a few things to note from this first chapter. Light is created before the sun, the moon, and the stars. That’s pretty damn impressive isn’t it? I mean, if it were me, I’d probably have to create nuclear fission prior to any light being shone, but hey, I’m not god….am I? Secondly, god explicitly creates a firmament, no question about it, we live in a giant dome with water below it and water above it. No wonder people can’t breathe in space, it’s all water.

You might also note that plants are created before their ability to grow is, plants require sunlight to grow and so you’d think they would need the sun to be created, but once again, I’m not god and I wasn’t there, so who knows how plants grew 6,000 years ago. I mean maybe they didn’t require any light to grow back then, who knows….

So if you aren’t a literalist, you basically consider the first 2 days to be billions of years. Everything else you explain as a biblical description of evolution, however this is a poor way of describing it. Notice that fish and birds are created on the same day? Does evolution even come close to describing fish evolving into birds? Of course not. Secondly, no one who has studied evolution would state that the sun came after plant life. That’s simply ridiculous.

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Chapter 2: Beastiality and Boobies!

Chapter 2 begins with god taking a nap. Omnipotent beings are still incredibly lazy and they need their beauty sleep. It then goes on to give us a summary of the information that we just read, in case we weren’t paying attention the first time. Strangely though this creation story is decidedly different from the first one.

In chapter two we have god creating just one dude, Adam. He takes some dust, makes Adam and then breathes life into him. This forms the basis of the belief that man has a soul and animals do not, god breathed a soul into man but just spoke animals into existence. God then walks Adam through the garden of Eden, showing him all the cool shit he just made. Adam is told that he can eat any fruit from any tree, except one, the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, this is god’s special tree and he doesn’t like it when people touch his shit. I heard he hides his weed in the trunk.

After a while, God sees that he forgot to make something for Adam to stick his peepee into, so he creates all the animals and brings them to Adam.  Note in the first chapter that these were created before man, but hey, who is paying attention. Adam isn’t into beastial pleasures, but he does at least name everything, before getting bored and lonely again.

So god puts Adam to sleep, takes a rib out of his chest, and forms a woman. Why Adam’s rib had two X chromosomes instead of one X and one Y, we will never know? Adam wakes up and is like, “Holy Shit, Boobies!” They are both naked and not ashamed of being naked.

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Chapter 3: Walkin and Talkin Snakes

Chapter three begins with a snake talking to eve, just having a chat, it never states that this is odd to Eve, so we must assume that animals could talk back then. So the snake says to Eve, “Hey, God’s a fuckin liar, you know that tree where he stores his weed, that shit is fucking delicious and it makes you smart. You eat that shit and you’ll be like God.” Eve says, “God told us we would die if we ate it.” The serpent then asks, “Do you know what death is? It means get smart, duh…”

So Eve eats the fruit and then gives it to Adam. Adam was having a rough day and really didn’t want to get into an argument with his new spouse so he goes ahead and eats it. They then look at each other and realize they are naked, “OH NO!.” No reason is given why being naked would be considered a bad thing as it was how they were created but anyway they take some leaves and get a bit more modest.

God shows up and says, “Hey, Adam and Eve, where the fuck are you guys? I’m Omniscient but my dealer gave me some really strong shit which is messing with my perception. Come on guys, where the fuck are you?”

Adam and Eve come out and say, “Hey, just noticed we’re naked and so yeah….we didn’t want you to see our naughty bits.”

God, still not come down from his high asks, “Who told you that you were naked?

Eve blames the serpent, Adam blames Eve, and the serpent is just like, “What the fuck are you gon do about it?”

God gets pissed, curses the serpent to crawl on its belly and eat dirt. 

God curses Eve by making her menstruate and have painful childbirth.
God curses Adam by making him work hard for his living.
God even curses the earth, why? Because Reasons.

He then kicks them out of the garden to prevent them from eating from the tree that would give them immortality, because god is scared of losing his status. He places a flaming sword and some angels at the gate of the garden, just to prevent them from sneaking back in.


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The Strange

Now, having spent a good deal of time in the Pentecostal church, I’d like to describe some of the weirder beliefs about Adam and Eve’s time in the garden.

1.) Adam And Eve Were Beings of Light

Some teach that Adam and Eve didn’t actually have a physical form prior to eating of the fruit. This is to explain why, when they eat the fruit, they are ashamed of their physical forms. Adam and Eve were also sexless beings that, like angels, lack sex organs and butt-holes. Only when Adam and Eve ate of the fruit did their bodies take on a physical form and their sex organs developed. The first fart must have really freaked them out.

2.) The Serpent Was Another Woman Who Gave Eve Her First Orgasm

This stems from a Jewish tale of Adams first wife, Lilith. She wanted to have an equal say in everything, especially in sexual positions, and so god banished her from the garden. She is then said to have given birth to all the evil that exists in the world. It was even taught at one point that she was the cause of wet dreams. Anyway, she returns to the garden and shows Eve her cunning lingual ways, which opens Eve’s eyes to sexual pleasure. Eve then takes this knowledge and blows Adams mind. Thus they understand the mind expanding abilities of orgasms and god gets pissed off.

3.) The Fruit Of The Tree Was Sodomy

So in this interpretation the serpent is more human than animal and teaches Eve the joys of butt sex. Eve then teaches this to Adam, and they feel the shame of the sin of sodomy.  So it wasn’t Adam and Steve, it was Adam and Eve and butt-sex snake dude.  To be perfectly honest, I have absolutely no idea where this idea came from. I only know about it because this is how my grandfather taught it as well as how I have heard several other ministers teach it over the years.

If you’ve taken anything away from this it is that sex is evil, in order to make that fact a truth, the story is interpreted in a way to include way more sex.


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How I Taught It

To be completely honest, I rarely taught about the creation story.  As a child I had been a bit of a young earth creationist, but by the time I became a minister I viewed the book of Genesis as decidedly unimportant to the Christian faith, especially the first three chapters. When I did speak on the topic I would say that the only message we really need to take away from it is this.

1.) God created the world as perfect
2.) Humans chose to sin
3.) Humanity fell due to that sin

Looking back I see that this is still incredibly simplistic. If god created us as perfect then how could we do anything that would be considered as sinful? Why would humanity’s ability to choose to go against something god has said be considered sinful? How could humanity even know what sin was if they had been created in a sinless world?  If they had never experienced immorality, how could they even have an idea of what immorality was or what it might do? Why did god lie about what would happen if they ate from the tree? I mean personally if he had said, if you eat from this tree, your women will bleed and be in pain, both monthly as well as during childbirth, and your men will have to really work hard to survive. Maybe then I might steer clear of the tree.

Basically though, this creation story is one of the more basic stories of the ancient world. God simply speaks things into being and they exist. It’s a silly story and one that causes a huge amount of contention in the church today. If this creation story hadn’t been included, would evolution be an issue? Would Christianity have such issues with science? I don’t think they would, but they do and it’s foundation is built upon this strange, strange, story.