Satanic Sundays

Satanic Sunday: Other Denominations

Good Morning Heathens and Hell-Bound friends and foes alike. I hope everyone is having a great Sunday, getting ready for atheist church and the potluck later. It’s time for another Satanic Sunday! For the last article in this series, click here:Satanic Sunday #11: Technological Advancements.

hell

Growing up in a Christian fundamentalist home, we were taught to believe that anyone who did not go to church were evil, and yet nearly as evil were the members of other denominations and sometimes simply the members of other churches in our same denomination. Let me break it down for you.

  • All the people outside the church – Definitely going to hell.
  • All the people in other denominations – Almost certainly going to hell
  • All the people in the church the next town over – probably going to hell.
  • All the people except for yourself, maybe going to hell.
  • You worry that you too are going to end up in hell.
  • So yep, everyone is going to hell.

shrugged

People who belonged to other denominations though, were especially heinous. Not only were they going to burn in hell but they were teaching Christianity wrong. They had the audacity to believe a slightly different interpretation of the scriptures and so they couldn’t possibly be right. It was absolutely clear that they only Christians that had ever gotten it completely right were the founders of our own particular brand of Christianity.

  • Mormons – Not even Christians they believe in Joseph Smith and Native American Jews.
  • Catholics – We like their Bible but they are idolaters who worship saints and drink booze.
  • Calvinists No Free-Will? Go F yourself…and by F yourself we mean “Forget” because swearing is evil.
  • Baptists – Once Save Always Saved My Ascot, Once Saved always burning in hell.
  • Methodists – Sleepy faith of burning sinners
  • Episcopal – They like Gays? Burn!
  • Presbyterians – We have no idea what you believe but burn in hell!
  • Lutherans – It was Adam and Eve not Luther and Steve!!!!

flair

Seriously, if there was one thing that I was warned about more than leaving the church it was following a different branch of the church. The only real Christians were tongue talking, spirit walking, devil slaying, earnest praying, kiss stealing, wheeling dealing Pentecostals of the particular denomination we belonged to at that given point.

I say at that point because we were Assembly of God and then we were Full Gospel, when we were Assembly the Full Gospel church seemed sinful, then when we were Full Gospel the Assembly looked sinful. We then settled into another Assembly of God church and once again the Full Gospel church was sinful…it was weird…

shrugged

One reason for this is that churches are incredibly competitive and they are all trying to get your business. Well, the Catholics are just kinda there, like a religious Wal-Mart, and they don’t really need to compete to stay in business, they just exist. Outside of the Catholics, the rest of the churches are fighting to gather in people from the same pool that every other church is working. The easiest way to keep the members you currently have, and gather in gullible new people, is claim that all the other churches are evil.

brother-love

Ministers do not like to lose members and so they will even portray a neighboring church from the same denomination as evil. Maybe the minister isn’t quite strong enough on a certain passage in the Bible. Perhaps you heard that the kids are unruly in a neighboring church and so obviously the minister there has no control over his church. Do they have a dirty past? You’ll bring that shit up in order to keep your own members. For every evil that modern politics has, religion has been doing it for much longer.

When I was a child I can remember more about the neighboring churches ministers than I can about many of our own home church ministers.

  • One minister had a gay son.
  • One minister had been divorced before becoming a Christian.
  • One smoked a pipe
  • One drank a few beers every now and then.
  • One had an extra-marital affair…..maybe…

None of them were as holy and good as our own pastor, and he let us know all about it. It wasn’t uncommon for a sermon to be completely about something that the minister heard about another minister and why he was definitely leading his congregation to hell.

One of the good things that I can say is that when I became a minister this type of thing had much less of a stigma. Most churches are liberalizing a good degree because they are losing members left and right. People no longer simply accept what they hear on Sunday as the golden truth and so outright lying about members of other churches is not as prominent anymore. Churches come together much more often for community potlucks and fellowship meetings.

It might seem strange but I was in my late teens before I even heard that members of another denomination could actually be considered as Christians. Even then it was said in a sermon that was highly criticized by the older members of the church and that pastor was voted out not long after he gave this sermon. Those older members are now gone and this sense of superiority to other denominations went with them, for the most part, Catholics and Mormons excluded.

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Satanic Sundays

Satanic Sunday #11: Technological Advancements

Good morning all of you heathens and hell-bound friends and foes alike! I couldn’t sleep tonight and so I figured if you can’t sleep, write! No idea how well this sleep deprived post will go but let’s get to it anyway. For last weeks Satanic Sunday, click here:Satanic Sunday: Final Fantasy

666

So this post was meant to be about the internet and yet looking up information for this post I found that the internet was just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Christians viewing technology as satanic. As I researched I remembered instances of being in people’s homes who felt that these things were evil and how appalled they were to find that my parents had no problem with them. They believed that by my parents allowing my brother and I to enjoy the benefits of certain technological advancements it might lead to us rejecting the church and entering the world of atheism. How silly of them…my brother is still a theist. Anyway, let’s get to it, Satanic advancements in history….

evil car

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Technology is always looking for ways to improve our lives, make them easier, more comfortable, and less stressful. I’m not sure how well they do since technology opens up a whole new world of stress but the goal is to make things easier.  To the biblical believer, making things easier is to fight against gods plan for us on earth and is of course the work of the devil. Life is supposed to be hard because the bible says it’s supposed to be hard.

So it should come as little shock that when mass transit and automobiles came into the picture there were god botherers there to try to stop it. Both trains and automobiles were considered too fast and too dangerous for any good Christian to ever consider owning. At 35 MPH that wind might just rip your wife’s dress clean off and have her nakedness exposed to the world. Planes on the other hand were considered evil because they were trying to improve on mankind, by adding flight to our set of skills.

“If god has meant for man to fly he would have been born with wings!”

To improve upon gods creation is to say that he didn’t do a great job at it and that it needs improving. God created this world perfect and we are the ones that messed it up, so how dare we attempt to do something contrary to his plan. Yet millions fly each day without incurring the wrath of this supposed insecure god. How weird?

radio

Radio

Radio was considered sinful because of what it was going to bring into your home, secular music and programming. Why would any christian want to listing to big band music when instead they could hum a hymn while reading the good book? Radio not only brought music into the homes of millions but it also brought dramas, gritty crime programs, comedies, and seductive programs.  The fear here is that people would turn away from their scriptural teachings and become a boozing womanizing sinful leach upon society.

telephone

Telephones

What could possibly be more sinful than little Jane staying up late on Saturday night talking to Bobby. Jane should be getting rest in preparation for morning services and Bobby obviously had only one thing on his mind, leading Jane into temptation. Hell, for all we know Bobby might be smoking a weed while he talks to Jane and the devils smoke could pierce straight through those lines and into Jane’s unwilling womb, bringing to life the anti-christ and the end of the world.

Telephones brought the world closer together and most churches were fairly small, hometown operations, that were the end all and be all of salvation. Talking to your friend, who lived on the other side of the country about matters of faith, might allow you both to realize that though you both claim Christianity as your faith, your beliefs can be miles apart.

The telephone can be blamed for another creation that possibly is evil and diabolical…the troll. When telephones were new, each house was interconnected, and so everyone’s phone line was connected to everyone else. A person could enter into your conversation with a good friend and start messing with both of you. Not really anything to do with this post but I thought it interesting.

devil

Television

The “One Eyed Devil” is what I have heard the television referred to by many in my childhood. Lot’s of folks in Pentecostal circles refused to own a TV, those that did fell into two categories.

  • Those like my parents who loved TV and saw that it had the potential for both good and evil.
  • Those that loved TV but pretended to only use them for religious programming.

Many of the reasons that people saw the TV as sinful are actually crossovers with the Radio so I don’t feel the need to repeat them again. TV though had the ability to bring images into your home of violence and sex. TV was also something that everyone wanted and so it was considered by some in the fundamentalist realm as a version of the “Mark of the Beast.” The mark of the beast is what sinful people in the end times will wear upon their body in order to buy, sell, and survive. Just about any technology can be claimed to be the mark of the beast as long as it’s a new technology and people really want to own it.

I can personally remember going into homes that didn’t own a tv, or if they did, their TV was turned around to face the wall or covered in a blanket. I guess Christians believed the same thing as children in those days, monsters and evil cannot possibly get through a blanket.

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The Internet

It is honestly funny to me how evil the internet was considered to be and still is by many of religious faith. Yet, if you’re old enough, I want you to think about what the internet was like in the early 1990’s. You were lucky if you could even get connected to the damn thing, let alone commit any act of evil on it. Hell a single pornographic image could take an hour to download on a 14.4k modem….and yes kids, the internet used to move at the speed of 14.4 kilobytes per second.

The internet was evil because of what it opened up to you, the entire world. You no longer had to believe the people in your local community or even the televangelist on the TV, you could actively research matters on your own. Sure, before the internet we had access to information through encyclopedias and libraries but the internet put this information at your fingertips. Even if it might take several hours to get to where you needed to be on a single Geocities website, complete with awful midi background music.

The internet was also compared to the mark of the beast but people didn’t really care. Sure many Christian homes refused to even entertain the idea of the internet, at least in the short-term, but even the most stringent of believers will admit to its usefulness. My grandfather thinks the internet is completely the work of Satan and yet has, at numerous times, asked me to look things up for him when he felt the need. I guess I am immune to the power of Satan, or he really doesn’t care all that much.

Anyway, Technological advancements had long been praised by the secular world and hated by the religious world, until such a time that the religious world finds a use for that technology. Transportation was evil until ministers realized they could draw larger crowds from many miles away, that meant more money and more souls for the lord….but definitely more money. TV and Radio were evil until ministers found ways to broadcast themselves and rake in millions. Telephones were evil and yet how could anyone sow their seed of faith to the 700 club without dialing that 1-800 number on the screen. Finally, the internet was evil until everyone started using it, religious websites popped up overnight, and the gospel was spread even further….which once again means more coin in the pockets of con artist preachers.

New technology will always be considered evil by the religious establishment, at least up until the point they figure out how to harness its profitability.

Satanic Sundays

Satanic Sunday: Final Fantasy

Good morning heathens and hell-bound friends and foes alike! Today marks another edition of Satanic Sunday, if you’d like to read the last Satanic Sunday, click here:Satanic Sunday #9: Muppets, Bowie, and Aslan. Also this article will hearken back to the first Satanic Sunday post, Satanic Sunday #1: The Legend of Zelda. As you know by now, this article is about things that were considered Satanic while growing up in a fundamentalist household, they might be things my parents actually considered Satanic or just things that the church or society in general deemed as such. Enjoy!


Growing up in the 80’s, you had to have an NES in order to be included in the social structure of the time. Sure, some kids were unlucky enough to have parents that bought them the Sega Master System instead, but the rest of us had our Nintendo’s. Those Sega Master kids I’m sure have endured countless hours of therapy due to their lack of social life as a child…who did they trade and borrow games from as a child? So sad…

Anyway, the NES was pretty damn cool and for good reason, I mean look at these graphics!

Anyway, as I stated in the blog about the Legend of Zelda, my parents were very selective in what games my brother and I were allowed to play.  Anything involving magic was completely forbidden and so there were a lot of great games that I wasn’t allowed to enjoy as a child. A strange one being Mega Man, not sure what the reasoning was on this but he was considered evil as well.

“It might seem a bit silly, but for the time this story was EPIC!”

Anyway, Final Fantasy is a role-playing series of games that have existed from the dawn of time, well the dawn of my time that is.  The first game followed the journey of the Four Warriors of Light, who are seeking to restore four orbs of light that have been darkened by the evil Chaos. It might seem a bit silly, but for the time this story was EPIC! The game allowed you to fight evil with good magic and so of course it was considered evil.

I’ve included a gameplay video below so you can see just how awesome these spells looked…I mean who wouldn’t want to play this game?

Well, if you read my post about the Legend of Zelda you will know that my cousin gave me a huge collection of NES games and that one day my mother destroyed any game that even might contain the slightest amount of magic. Included in these titles was a copy of Final Fantasy.

muppet adventure
Sadly, there would be no #2. Since this game was shit…

What my mother didn’t know is that shortly after this incident I worked out a deal with a friend of mine for another copy of the game. I gave up a copy of the Muppet Adventure, TMNT 1, and Bomberman for Final Fantasy, when I look back I’m still pretty proud of that trade. My friend definitely ended up on the bad side of the trade.

So now that I had another copy, I had to keep it safe. So while some kids might have concealed a porno mag or cigarettes, I had my copy of Final Fantasy stowed away securely in the garage. This was a great hiding spot and it never was found by my parents. Unfortunately I never had the courage to actually get the game out of its hiding spot and actually play it. I mean my mother had burned my games in the past, who knows what she would do if she found that I had gone against her wishes and procured one of the games again. So there it sat, in my garage, hidden away from my parents, and my fear prevented me from ever playing it.

Well, we moved away from that house and, for all I know, my copy of Final Fantasy remained tucked away in the corner of the garage long after we had moved. Recently that garage has been torn down and so I can only hope that someone found this gem, wrapped in plastic, and got some good use from it…if not it more than likely ended up being burned along with the rest of the garage after they tore it down. Such a sad fate for an incredibly game.

nes_final_fantasy

Well, the years passed and I stopped caring what my mother thought of the games that I played, sometimes she would cry if she thought we were playing something evil but she never did burn any of our games again. I grew up, have a family of my own now and much less time for gaming. I had honestly forgotten about this game until one day, in a used game store, I saw a copy and decided to pick it up. Unfortunately, I had forgotten my wallet so I made the journey home to grab my greenbacks.

I walked into the game store, and slammed down my money…sadly, looking in the display case I realized that the copy of the game had been purchased within the 15 minutes that it took for me to run home and grab my wallet.

I seethed in anger, this game had been stolen from me again. What diabolical force of chaos had swooped in and purchased this title? Would I need to gather three friends and go on a search for the game? Well…no…because when I got home and jumped on Facebook the identity of the culprit was made known to all.

It was my brother…

of course.gif

 

Well, another year went by and I had almost forgotten about the anger that I felt for my brother and the sadness that I experienced over this game that the universe seemed to be keeping me from playing. Christmas came and my brother handed me a gift, I opened it to find a collection of NES games, including the game that have evaded me for so long, Final Fantasy.

final fantasy.jpgThe game is great and it’s honestly sad that people actually found anything evil about the game. The graphics are good but good for the time, the most you learn about spells is that they are done by going through a menu and clicking a button on your controller. It’s a fun game but there is nothing about the game that could ever actually lead a person to evil or dark magic. It’s a good game, I’m glad to have it in my collection, but it is definitely not satanic at all.

Satanic Sundays

Satanic Sunday #9: Muppets, Bowie, and Aslan

For those new to my blog, Satanic Sunday is an article about something that was considered evil or “Satanic” when I was a child. This could be something that my parents taught me or something that was just a general belief in the churches that we attended. These are definitely not my beliefs today and looking back I think of how funny it is that the church was so scared of these things.


For the last Satanic Sunday, click here: Satanic Sunday# 8: Critical Thinking

Now, let’s be clear, I’m not talking about the regular muppets that we all know and love. I’ve already touched upon them in a previous article about cartoons that were considered evil, which you can find here: Satanic Sunday #6: Children’s Cartoons, but Fozie Bear, Gonzo, Kermit and Miss Piggy are safe from today’s article. These were not the only Muppets that existed and this article will be about some of Jim Henson’s other creations.

The Dark Crystal

dark crystal.jpg

Now the Dark Crystal is a wonderful movie and I say this having only watched it in my early 30’s. See this movie involved magic, mysticism, good and evil, as well as some fairly scary scenes that were outside the norm of other children’s movies of the same time period. It’s an absolutely stunning visual delight that really puts you into the world of Thra. It involves a Gelfling who goes on a journey to fix a crystal and restore balance to the world.

The most insidious part of the film is that it deals with a fairly touchy subject, the idea that within us all is contained a good and a very evil side. When the crystal is broken, two races of beings are created, the evil Skeksis and the benevolent mystics. The Skeksis want to use the crystal to obtain immortality and destroy the mystics. We learn throughout the film that these two races are actually two sides of the same creature and by restoring the crystal, the two races are brought back together into one race the urSkeks.

You see, Christians like to believe that while they are sinners, when they become saved god replaces all the bad in their lives and replaces it with good. The idea of the dual nature of man is considered evil because it negates gods transformative power.  If we can work together to fix our own issues then where would god come into the picture.

The other aspect of this film that Christians find so appalling is the imagery and symbolism used throughout the film. The Thra system is, in a way, a form of sun worship. The sun shines through the crystal and grants immortality to those in its vicinity. Eternal life is obviously only bestowed by middle eastern zombies and so this fantasy world is entirely evil. It’s going to lead our children to mysticism, crystals, and probably raw water…

krishna.jpg

The only question that I would ask is this; If your god is so powerful, then how could children be led astray by Muppets?

Labyrinth 

labryinth.jpg

The second film that I would like to speak about today is, Labyrinth. An absolute classic featuring both Muppets and David Bowie. How on earth could anyone be against that concept just from the start?

Well, for starters this movie is dark and I do mean dark. The movie starts with a girl who is asked by her parents to babysit her infant brother. She is late getting home and gets a scolding from her stepmother. Upon seeing her brother who is holding one of her old toys that she has neglected for years,she wishes that her brother be carried away by the goblin king(Bowie), as any teenager would.  The movie is then about her journey, through the labyrinth, to rescue her baby brother, realize she still loves her old toys, defeat the goblin king and learn that while she is growing up she still needs her neglected friends, the toys.

Bowie is absolutely superb as the goblin king and the film is once again a visual delight. It’s once again pretty scary for a children’s movie but everything melds together so well that the scary nature is forgotten over the absolute beauty of Jim Henson’s creations. I mean look at these guys..

labyrinth

The reason this film is panned by many Christians is once again due to the fact that it involves magic. The Goblin King uses a crystal ball, sings about his evil plans, and attempts to draw the girl to his side and his wicked ways.

The one thing that might cause some children to have nightmares is one particular scene that is truly horrifying.

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I mean look at that….Bowie is obviously being attacked by some sort of python in his pants. How could you look at this scene and not feel slightly inadequate in some way? Luckily nowhere in the film does Bowie use his magic wand for anything but to tear apart my psyche and self-esteem.

Anyway this film is claimed to be satanic because it’s dark, it contains magic, and it features Bowie’s thunder dong.  Horrifying!!!


bonus

The Chronicles of Narnia

aslan

This is not a Jim Henson creation but I wanted to include it just in case you thought that Christians only pan movies that are dark and scary….

Now this last one is strange because as anyone can tell you, The Chronicles of Narnia is absolutely chock full of Christian imagery. The writer of the series, C.S. Lewis, is considered by many to be one of the best christian apologists of the last century and so it seems odd that his children;s series about the destruction of evil and the triumph of the good would be seen as Satanic by some.

Well, this basically starts with the title of the first book in the series, “The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. Now Christians don’t give a fuck about fashion or felines but it’s the witch in the title that causes such a huge stir. This book and film series teach children that witches are real and that they can actually harness the powers of evil for their own success. It doesn’t matter that the entire series is about how the powers of evil fall far short of the powers of the good, Aslan the lion(Jesus in feline form).

Nope, simply that this book involves magic makes it satanic. It doesn’t matter that the writer spent the majority of his time writing books that supposedly proved the accuracy and inerrant nature of the bible, all that matters is that he taught children that witches were a real thing and that they had actual power….the hilarity being that witches are a real thing and that the most power they can come up with is of the herbal variety and does absolutely nothing in regards to good or evil…

Maybe some would be upset that it teaches children it’s ok to walk up to a male lion and have a conversation with it but no, schizophrenia is fine, but a weak witch is not.

Lewis also includes in his work some imagery and characters from Roman and Greek mythology but these characters generally don’t play a huge role in the books, or do but are being used by the dark side of the force….oops wrong movie…by the evil side in order to try to trick the children into no longer following Aslan.   These films are actually benign in their entirety and in my opinion are pretty boring. They are beautiful visually but lack any real substance in my own opinion.

And in case you’ve forgotten over the last couple of minutes…here it is….once again in all it’s purple headed, blue-veined, trouser trout glory…

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Satanic Sundays

Satanic Sunday# 8: Critical Thinking

Satanic Sunday is an article that I write about things that were considered Satanic or sinful when I was growing up. These might have been things that my parents or religious leaders taught me while growing up in a fundamentalist christian home. These are not things that I actually believe and I hate having to include this disclaimer but people tend to only read the title which makes the disclaimer unnecessary but it makes me feel better anyway.

For the last Satanic Sunday post, click here.


So first off I want to say that my parents did not teach me this, it was however something that you gained from listening to the leaders in the church, Sunday school teachers, and other church members. My parents actually taught me that it is always okay to question things no matter what they might be and while they haven’t always enjoyed my questioning of faith they never tried to discourage me from doing so.

Now that we have that out-of-the-way lets define what we will be talking about.

critical thinking

Critical Thinking: the objective analysis and evaluation of an issue in order to form a judgment.

Critical thinking is how we form judgments on what is true or not in this world. It involves looking at all the evidence for or against a certain stance and then deciding on what the right course of action we should take in regards to whether or not to believe something.

Now from the outside it would appear that no one could truly be against critical thinking skills and yet this is exactly what you find in fundamentalist churches. Some examples of things you might hear.

“We will understand that once we are in heaven.”
“You don’t need to understand it, you just need to have faith.”
“Don’t be a Doubting Thomas.”
“The bible is clear and true it’s the devil that is confusing you and making you question it.”
“Are you god? No? Then what makes you think you can understand the mind of god?”
“It will become clear if you just have enough faith.”
“Don’t question god, just accept him and have faith.”

philosophy

The clear implication is that questioning things of faith are not welcome and any question should simply be thrown away and given up to things that we will understand at some other point in the future.

Growing up I was always someone to question things and much of the bible makes absolutely no sense whatsoever when you actually think about it. My questions would drive my Sunday school teachers insane and I would usually be told to ask the pastor. I would of course then ask the pastor and be given one of the non-answers above. This never sat well with me and yet when I became a minister I had to answer many questions with the exact same bullshit answers.

One of my favorite questions that I have carried with me through the years is this:

“If Adam and Eve only learned what evil is after they ate the fruit then how could they have known that doing what god said not to do was evil?”

Seriously, think about it. If they only gained knowledge by eating the fruit then how could they have had the knowledge to know that what they were about to do was wrong? It makes no sense whatsoever and that’s at the very beginning of the damn book. The bible is absolutely filled with stories like this. Sure they might teach some kind of lesson, in some way, but the narrative that the lesson comes from, is so badly written that it’s hard to understand how anyone could think these things came from a god.

Well, unless….when you think about it….god being god there was no one there to teach him how to read and write, so you would kind of expect him to be incapable of writing a decent narrative.

GOD NEVER LEARNED HOW TO READ!!!!!(Insert Classic 80’s Sad Sitcom Music)

read

Anyway, using even the slightest amount of critical thinking skills when reading the bible will make it clear that these stories could not have been divinely inspired and were instead the words of men, simple men, who had very little understanding of the world around them…or that there even was a full world around them.

This is why critical thinking was looked upon with such disdain in the fundamentalist churches in which I was raised. To think was to doubt, to doubt was to deny and to deny was to burn for all eternity. Don’t raise the question that will get you sent to hell. In most churches, even admitting to the fact that you have doubts is tantamount to blasphemies of the spirit of god. It was considered wrong and so over time you stopped questioning, you turned off your critical thinking skills in regards to the faith and simply accepted the programming that they wanted you to accept.

crystals.jpg

Now, I want to point out that Christianity does not have a monopoly on this hatred towards critical thinking. The new ages woo crowd goes about this in a slightly different fashion, that being to state that all mind is an illusion and so we cannot truly trust what our minds are telling us about our beliefs. The strange fact is they never seem to question their mind’s ability to make that statement, or the belief that all mind is an illusion.

The result is the same in either circle, a group of people who distrust any of their critical thinking skills and instead give it all up to god, the universe, or fucking Thoth… In the end you find that without critical thinking skills you are not truly you, you are what they want you to be and that is a follower of their bullshit and a buyer of their products. Whether that be tithing to a church or buying expensive crystals and homeopathic cures that supposedly do….stuff?

Critical thinking is what brought us to the point in time. People thought about things and wondered if they could be better and if that better would actually be a good thing or a bad thing.

People used to use buggies and now we drive cars.
People used to believe flying was impossible and now people fly across the world daily on thousands of flights.
Peoples used to believe that sickness and diseases were caused by demons and yet now we know they are caused by germs, bacteria, and neurological issues.

Critical thinking skills are what make us human and without them we are little more than a shell of the humanity we are meant to be. Religion strive to separate us from our mental awareness and deprive us of the right to live a life free of superstition and dogma. In the words of George Carlin, “It’s bad for you!”

clark

 

Satanic Sundays

Satanic Sunday #7: Professional Wrestling

For last weeks Satanic Sunday, click here.

Today’s article isn’t necessarily about the thing in total. Professional wrestling was something that my family enjoyed weekly and many of the people in the churches I went to enjoyed it as well. This is more about specific wrestlers that were considered Satanic and so if they came on the TV, my mother would turn the TV off. The funny thing is that while we weren’t able to watch these wrestlers if my mother was in the room, just the fact that mom didn’t want us watching them made them some of mine and my brothers favorite wrestlers growing up.

brother-love

5.) Brother Love

In an era where wrestling was family friendly and fun, Brother Love seemed to be a stand out character. He wasn’t really over the top so much as he was a direct parody of Jimmy Swaggart. Being raised Pentecostal, Brother Love was seen as incredibly evil. He would come to the ring with music that was of a gospel style and his catchphrase, “I Looooooooo-Veeeeee Yooooooooouuuuuu.” Played up on the way that many preachers turn the word god into a triple syllable word. Brother love did an excellent job playing the role of a 1980’s televangelist and so when his music hit, our tv went off.

Shango

4.) Papa Shango

Papa Shango was a voodoo priest. He would cast spells on his opponents causing them to become paralyzed and an easy victim to him. Even seeing a bad representation of voodoo was enough to turn your kids into Satan worshiping freaks so whenever Papa Shango came on the TV, it was once again turned off. The thing about this gimmick was that it was incredibly silly when you really think about it but incredibly frightening to christian parents. Charles Wright, the man who played Shango, would be a mainstay in the WWF/WWE for much of the next two decades, playing several different gimmicks. Probably most famous now for playing, “The Godfather,” however the taboo that was Papa Shango made him a favorite in my mind as a child.

Raven

3.) Raven

Raven was a character that portrayed the loner, the guy that was intelligent and well spoken but was naturally misanthropic. I absolutely loved Raven when I was growing up and he was much of the reason why i became such a fan of ECW. The problem with Raven wasn’t so much that he was evil, but comes from the video clip below.

By crucifying the Sandman, Raven was seen as an insult to christianity and so was completely evil from that point on. I remember my mother seeing this clip and completely banning me from watching ECW. Little did she know but I still stayed up late and watched the show when it aired on the local sports channel around 3am.

Kevin Sullivan

4.) Kevin Sullivan

Kevin Sullivan is a bit of a detour for me on this list as I initially did not like him. In fact, no other wrester in all the time I watched, scared me more than Sullivan did. Sullivan played the role of a demonic cult leader, the likes of Charles Manson, and was actually meant as a direct parody of those who were worried about the satanic scare. He was such a mean and convincing guy that I literally thought he might leap out of the screen and take my soul if I watched him. So unlike the rest, when I saw Kevin Sullivan on the TV, I would turn it off.

Later in life I grew an appreciation for Sullivan and his technical skill in the ring. Now we all know that wrestling isn’t real but it takes talent to really get the response you want from the fans. Sullivan was an absolute beast at doing this and so now I appreciate him for that.

Undertaker

5.) The Undertaker

I’ll never forget watching my mother cry when she heard that my brother and I were fans of the Undertaker. At the time he was feuding with Hulk Hogan, all that was good in the world was based in Hogan’s character, so in this feud it was portrayed as Good vs Evil. However, the Undertaker was such a monster and a menacing force that you couldn’t help but love the character. My mother saw this as her children turning from the good to the bad and she prayed that we would stop liking the Undertaker. Professional Wrestling was even banned in our home for a short while because of the Undertakers growing popularity. Eventually though, we started watching again and even my mother started to enjoy watching the Undertaker, especially during his feud with Yokozuna.


I rarely watch professional wrestling anymore and if I do it is the old school variety of stuff that I have spoken about in today’s article. I still enjoy each of these wrestlers and all that they did in the ring. It seems funny to me that at one point they were so feared by the christian world and yet now are just figments of the past for a form of entertainment that has been around for a long time. Professional Wrestling still holds a dear spot in my heart, it was something my entire family enjoyed. I remember many Saturday Nights going to my grandmother’s house to watch WCW Wrestling on TBS. So I hope you have enjoyed today’s article. If you feel I missed someone who should have been included, please mention it in the comments below. Thanks!

Satanic Sundays

Satanic Sunday #6: Children’s Cartoons

I can’t believe how many times I had to point out last week that this article is a satirical take on some of the things that were considered as satanic, sinful, or evil when I was a child. So hopefully writing that bit got that out-of-the-way for the moment.

For last weeks article, click here.

So you might think that the world of Saturday morning cartoons was beyond the reach of christian superstitions. Not so, says the fundamentalist, nearly every single cartoon was an attempt to win your child over to Satan’s army. Today I will go through a top 10 list of sorts in regards to these dreadfully evil and obviously satanic children’s programming.

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10.) Smurfs

You might say to yourself, how on earth could the smurfs have been considered evil? Well, Gargamel was a sorcerer, who needed the smurfs to complete his wicked spells. This meant that the smurfs was all about magic and satan. The smurfs themselves were also small, blue, and used their own magic, meaning they were of course demons. If you can’t see just how evil this show is, then you are more than likely a rational and sane person.

Rainbow Bear

9.) Care Bears

The Carebears spent their time trying to help out people feel emotions. They would see someone who is sad or hurt and try to help them with their “Care Bear Stare.” So what evil could be found in this show? Well, for one, the care bear stare was seen as a type of magic, and so it was inherently evil. Secondly and much more important came with the Rainbow bear. As many people know, the Rainbow is used as a symbol for the gay rights movement and so Rainbow Bear was deemed as a homosexual, only existing in the show to invite your children to the wonders of gay sex. I remember being told, “It seems innocent enough, but they’ll see that rainbow elsewhere and they will be led astray.” Personally, I’ve never seen a rainbow and wondered if dick was yummy, but hey, I’m not the sexually repressed sick individual that comes up with this type of backwards thinking.

Transformers

8.) Transformers

More than meets the eye is what the Christian fundamentalist would say of this show. Transformers are an abomination in several respects. Number one, they come from another planet where machines are the evolved life-form. We all know that humans are the only species that god created and so they must have been created by satan. Secondly,  the transformers are powered by the “allspark.” This is what holds the “soul” of the transformers and is a cube which has symbols on them. A transformer can be good or evil, depending on the nature of the “allspark.” Fundamentalists would say that this is promoting the idea of possession by good or bad spirits, something your child should steer clear from. Lastly, the transformers, transform. It was believed that this might instill some idea that if you don’t like who you are, just make a change and become something different. Fundamentalist churches are incredibly transphobic and the idea was that the transformers might encourage boys and girls to decide to transform into the opposite sex…I know….it’s just plain idiotic…

bart

7.) The Simpsons

A bit of a jump away from the Saturday morning programming, this show was blasted not because of any magical ideas but because it would turn your children into hoodlums. Bart Simpson was seen as the exact opposite of the child that anyone wanted, he swore, he spray painted graffiti, he was brash and disobedient. On top of this, his father was decidedly nonreligious, preferring to spend his Sundays drinking and watching football. To the fundamentalist this was seen as a show that would lead to the complete disintegration of the wholesome and loving family. I can personally remember my mother crying her eyes out when she found out that I was watching The Simpsons with my grandmother. (Strangely enough, The Simpsons is now one of my mothers favorite shows…)

turtles

6.) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

This one even came as a shock to me as a child since I was crazy for the turtles. At one point I have every single action figure that they had produced. For a good period of time, the TMNT’s, were my life. Yet to some fundamentalists they were considered as evil for a couple of reasons. First off was that they were mutants. The reason this is evil is that it taught that mutation was possible, a key aspect of evolution. Secondly the turtles were sentient, and so were their numerous friends and adversaries. Animals don’t have souls and so animals like this were seen as an abomination. Strange that the church which promotes a talking snake and donkey would be against other animals exhibiting similar traits. Lastly was a very strange belief. It was rumored that the show emboldened nazi propoganda. This stemmed from an artist who made a puzzle that happened to contain a swastika in the artwork. The puzzle was recalled and it had no real connection to the show but it was enough to get this rumor circulating.

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5.) Muppet Babies

Once again we go back to anthropomorphic animals being a source of evil in the world. Yet the real evil stems from a single episode titled “Nice to have Gnome You.” In this episode the show refers many times to the movies “Labyrinth” and “The Witches” Two movies that were completely banned by most parents in the fundamentalist community. This was seen as the Muppet Babies attempting to push the ideas of witchcraft and sorcery into the minds of children and so it was incredibly evil.

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4.) Scooby Doo

So this show gets hit from both sides. The first being that each show centers around a haunting presence in a spooky castle, a museum, amusement park, etc… This was seen as promoting the idea of ghosts and spirits, something the church frowns heavily upon. “We are appointed once to die and then judgement,” is something you hear numerous times growing up, so ghosts are not allowed in the picture. The second issue with the show is that the teenagers use logic and reason to expose all of these hauntings as frauds and the magic as simple tricks. This is believed to promote the idea that nothing supernatural exists in the world and thus god cannot exist.

pokemon

3.) Pokemon

A bit later than my own youth was the insurgence of Pokemon onto the scene. Along with it many copy cat shows also emerged. All of these shows were deemed as evil within the church because they promoted harnessing demons for your own purposes. The pokemon were not simply creatures that would fight one another but actual evil beings based around Asian lore and mythology. It was believed that allowing your children to watch the show might invite them to research the myths behind some of the characters and thus turn them into enchanters.

Zelda

2.) The Legend of Zelda

This show was loved by children who loved the game, little more can be said about the show. It was really not that great of a show, featured horrible storylines and the artwork was dull and drab. Yet because the show centered around the magical land of hyrule, the evil Ganon, and the powerful tri-force, the church saw it as just as evil as the game. You might remember an earlier Satanic Sunday post about my mother burning my copy of the game, it can be found here.

He-man

1.) He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

Magic, sorcery, demons, enchanters, evil galore, this show was completely banned in mine and many others households. He-man was said to use dark magic to power himself in an effort to fight the even darker magic of Skeletor. I remember being told so many times that this show was evil that I was actually fearful to watch the show, thinking I might become possessed if I even viewed a single episode. I would hear the theme music and instantly turn the tv off, panting hard from the fear that I almost unwittingly worshiped the devil. Since that time I have gone back and watched the show, it’s completely benign, absolutely nothing that I was told about it was true and yet I still approached it with trepidation upon my first viewing.

There are many other shows that I could have spoken about. This was not meant to be an exhaustive list but simply a way of showing just how superstitious parents were during the 1980’s Satanic scare. If you have others that you feel I should have mentioned, please respond with them in the comments section below. Thank you for reading!