General Information

Points of Interest

So here I would like to share a few of my favorite blogs to read. I’ll separate them into a few categories. This list will be updated frequently so check back from time to time to see what’s new.  If you’re not on here yet and feel you should be, send me a message. As I said this list will be constantly evolving and so if it’s not here today it could be tomorrow. Check out these Blogs, you will not be disappointed.

Atheism

Godless Journey

The Closet Atheist

WITH REMORSE THERE’S ONLY REGRETS

Bad Atheist

Atheist Revolution

The Poised Atheist

The Atheist Papers

Living

Spewing Truth in the Face of Lies

Never Thought To Question

 

Autism/Aspergers

Neurodivergent Rebel

Rude Girl – Living in an Aspie World

An Intense World

The Silent Wave

An Aspie In Iowa

An Aspie In Iowa: ASMR Freaks Me Out!

So tonight I watched a few ASMR videos on YouTube. I don’t really want to go into what these are so I’ll leave the explanation here. I’ll also post a couple of example videos so that you have a good idea what these are.

and…

Now what you are supposed to get from these videos is a pleasurable tingling sensation in your spine that makes you feel tranquil. These videos are immensely popular and I have seen numerous testimonials speaking of their usefulness. Well….that was not my experience at all.

Let me tell you, I get a tingling sensation….well tingling isn’t really the proper word for it, I feel like someone is trying to rip my spine out of my back and beat me over the head with it. The feeling that I get from these videos is about the worst feeling that anyone could get without setting yourself on fire.  We watched a video of a woman clicking her fingernails on various items and I literally had tears in my eyes and wanted to run from the room.

At first I would think that this has to do with my autism but my wife who is also an aspie gets the pleasurable response that everyone else raves about. A quick google search found other autistic blogs and websites proclaiming the positives of ASMR and so I’m guessing it’s more or less just me. No real big deal, I’m used to being the odd man out.

I think though that perhaps this does have a lot to do with my aversion to touch and since these videos supposedly stimulate the same nerves that respond to light touch then it is no wonder why I had such a bad reaction to them. I would rather be stabbed than to have someone lightly touch me, I don’t want to sound hyperbolic but to be lightly touched feels, to me, like I am being violated in some horrific fashion.

I guess it only makes sense because I like strong touches. I also like strong sounds, preferring a bit louder than normal speech over any type of whisper. Whispering drives me absolutely insane and makes me sick to my stomach when I hear it. Perhaps this is due to the deceptive nature that whispering is meant to convey much of the time and the amount of times in my past that I knew, or at least assumed, that people were whispering about me.

Anyway, I’d like to send this on over to you folks, my readers. Does ASMR elicit the feel good pleasurable sensation in your mind or are you as turned off as I am by this invasion of obnoxious noise upon your mind? Let me know in the comments. Thanks!

An Aspie In Iowa

An Aspie In Iowa: Trumpets and Screeching

Tonight we went to my daughters middle school band concert which included a choir and string orchestra performance. I’m under the weather as well so it was bound to be an interesting experience.

First off, being a middle school concert it wasn’t quite as bad as an elementary school concert. There was little to no screeching from the children who sang but it still wasn’t a great musical experience. The band was amazing, really surprised by just how good they were and I was very proud of my daughters performance. She played her trumpet great and it reminded me of when I was a young kid playing the trombone in the same type of concert. I loved playing the trombone and unfortunately due to a bad decision on my part in my early 20’s I no longer have my instrument.

School concerts are hard on me because there is so much about them that I do not enjoy. Having to sit uncomfortably for over an hour, very close to other people I don’t know, who smell funny….seriously it might sound weird but people that I don’t know smell strange to me. I think it is a heightened sense of smell that comes from my Autism. Anyway I hate going to these concerts but I know that my children love having me there and so I go…I’m exhausted afterwards but I go.

So now I’m sitting watching Star Trek and trying to decompress from the social activity that I just put myself through. Star Trek has the ability to almost instantly calm me regardless of the situation. It’s always been that way for as long as I can remember.

Does anyone else experience this with their focused interests? I think it’s healthy that I put myself through these situations from time to time but afterwards I feel as if I ran a marathon. Is that just me or do some of my readers have the same experiences?

General Information

New Articles On The Way

So I’ve been writing again which is good and I hope you’ve enjoyed the newest articles from myself, Jennifer, and all the others who have submitted entries. I’ve had some new ideas that I will explore over the coming weeks.

1.) BS News report

This is a satirical take on the news of the week from my own unique point of view.

2.) The return of A Pentecostal Atheist Bible Study

3.) Deep Thoughts

Subjects may include science, medicine, paradoxes, riddles, basically anything that gets me thinking.

Anyway, keep on the lookout for these new articles as well as other posts in the future.

Thank you so much to everyone who has read so far, I appreciate you all.

Side note: What would you like to see more of in this blog. Any suggestions and help will be greatly appreciated.

Matt

The Diary Of My Mind

Why I Can’t Write.

My brain is on a senseless shuffle
I see no end in sight
life is an endless boiling bubble
emotions are my plight…

I honestly cannot tell you how I feel at the moment, which doesn’t equate well to a decent blog. I’ve been in shut down mode for the past two weeks. All I have done is played a video game and sat quietly allowing my brain to be in complete down time. This is what I do when my brain gets too much information for it to handle. Many people enjoy music, reading, a productive hobby that produces something, for me it’s video games.

At one point in my life I didn’t understand why I played video games so damn much, yet today I get it. When I am in a game I don’t have to worry about the outside world. I am one with the game. In a way, it is almost a spiritual experience, if you wanted to use those words. I’ve meditated in the past and that feeling of complete quiet and content emptiness is the same that I can get after a two-hour gaming session.

So that’s what I’ve done for the last two weeks. I start the day with the intent to write but as the hours go by and the bullshit builds up I end up in the same state where I was the day before. Why? The reason is I honestly don’t know how I should feel at the moment.

I’m still grasping my official diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, what that means to me and what my next steps are? Having that diagnosis was a liberating experience and yet as the last few weeks have gone by I have had more and more trouble using the old coping mechanisms that I learned throughout life. Three times in the last week I have gone mute, not just quiet but physically incapable of talking for a period of time. This honestly has not happened to me in years.

On top of that my grandmother is still slowly dying in hospice. Her mind has now gone completely and she spends her waking moments crying for her mother to come and rescue her. She hasn’t eaten a thing in two days and the nurses say she has somehow forgotten how to drink liquid. It won’t be long now but I know that she is in agony. I love my grandmother and hate seeing her in this much pain. I only hope her pain will soon be over.

On top of that my grandfather is still an asshole. He has done nothing but make matters worse. Constantly saying he is going to get her out of hospice care as soon as he can and how much of a burden she has caused him when it comes to the bills. It’s all a lie and only meant to make people feel sorry for him. He loves control and this is just one more way that he believes he can maintain control over her life at least for a short time more.

Speaking of that, I have no idea how to reconcile the good memories I have of my grandfather with the new image of him that I have today. I spent summers at my grandparents and loved fishing, early mornings with my grandfather. We spent hours on the bank fishing for bass, crappie, catfish and carp; my grandfather had a special dough bait recipe that he has made for years which was magical when it comes to carp and catfish.

He also taught me how to haggle at garage sales and taught me a lot of what I needed to know when I was early in the ministry. Hell, I wouldn’t even have been a minister if it hadn’t been for my grandfather. I spent a huge portion of my life trying to make him proud which I think I did but now all of that time spent sickens me. I cannot believe that I held him in such high regards for so long after what I know and have witnessed the last couple of years.

To make matters even worse, I have just learned that I have severe sleep apnea. On Wednesday i went to the hospital for a split sleep study. For someone to be considered to have severe apnea they must have 30 or more apnea episodes, periods of the brain waking up for 10 second or more, in an hour. I had 67 apnea episodes. The person conducting the sleep study then hooked me up to a CPAP machine and I was out like a light. The two hours I was connected to the machine were the two best hours of sleep I can honestly remember. I woke up without a headache, something that never happens, and had more energy throughout the day than I have had in a long time.

Anyway, so now I am waiting to speak with my doctor and get my CPAP ordered. The person at the sleep study said that a CPAP wouldn’t just help me but was incredibly important for my long-term health. This has me a bit freaked out but to be honest the worst part is that knowing I can wake up without a headache has made my last few morning headaches ten times worse.

So anyway, I’m mad, I’m confused, I’m not sleeping well and I wish I could make sense of life. I’m hoping to get back into writing soon but the time for that, outside of this article, just hasn’t arrived yet. Maybe soon, but not at the moment. Thank you for bearing with me and your continued support.

Matt

The Diary Of My Mind

Does Crying Physically Hurt You?

Oh how I hate emotions. Not so much the fact that my mind is almost constantly swimming in them, but the fact that I am so damn awful at expressing them. Along with ASD I also have SPD which, in the simplest terms, means that I am withdrawn from society and relatively flat when it comes to showing emotion. By and large I live a life of pretend even though I hate it. I smile and laugh, I frown and act upset when I hear something that is seen as sad but in reality on an emotional level I’m a blank canvas to the outside world.

When I do actually get to the point that my emotions break the surface they can be pretty severe in nature. Sadness actually makes the world seem dark and I might turn on every light yet still feel as if I am in a dark room. Anger can make me see red and I am likely to tear into someone with a verbal assault that I will ultimately regret for years afterward. The real issue though is crying…

When I cry, my whole body hurts. Is it that way for everyone? My back aches, my joints feel like they become a piece of welded steel, and my head pounds. The tear feel like daggers as they leave my eyes. Crying hurts so badly that I try my best to almost never do it. People say crying is therapeutic but to me it is horrible.

The other problem is once I start I have an incredibly difficult time stopping. I can at times bawl for hours and then all of a sudden it stops. I go back to my norm and you would be none the wiser that I had just spent the last several hours crying.

People believe that I have no emotions. That I’m cold, callused or heartless but in reality I just don’t understand the vast array of emotions. I understand the extremes but it is those pieces in between that are confusing to me. A lot of the time I am simply level, not really physically experiencing anything when it comes to my emotions. Mentally I might get stuck on the same thought for several days filled with the emotions of that thought. My emotions though are almost totally within my thoughts. I think with most people there are both mental and physical changes with emotions or at least it seems that way.

Anyway, yep…I hate emotions…

Uncategorized

Inspiration

Who inspires you?

My top 5 list would be

  1. Jennifer – Hands down she is my rock, my inspiration and my motivator.
  2. Oscar Wilde – I love that he picks apart society and small talk with such ease. Pointing out how absurd the word is.
  3. Douglas Adams – I love fun fiction with interesting characters and plot-lines. His are the best!
  4. Christopher Hitchens – The man that made me an activist. His writings inspire me to be open and truthful in all ways.
  5. H.P. Lovecraft – His haunting tales will take you to the brink of madness and back. I love the atmosphere he creates in each on of his stories.

These are my top 5. Who would be on your top 5 list? Comment below with your answers.