My Journey

My Journey Away From Faith: The Epilogue: Part 5

For part 4 of the epilogue, click here.
To start at the beginning of my journey, click here.

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
-Oscar Wilde

The day of my second appointment I was far less worried. The drive there still bothered me greatly as I hate long drives. We reached the office about a half an hour early and I sat down in the waiting room. Thoughts of my life passed through my mind.

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I remembered how hard childhood had been, never knowing what to say or how to take the things that others said to me. Making friends is difficult when you don’t recognize the difference between sarcasm and actual anger, or realize that you should offer comfort to someone who is sad. I remembered my teenage years, spent in part trying to do everything I could in order to be seen as “normal” and then spending the second part of those years doing everything I could to not be seen as anything close to normal.

AnarchyI remembered the first time Jennifer and I had been together, how much love I had felt for her in those early moments and how much deeper my love for her is now that weTexas have reconnected. I felt the pain of losing her go through my mind and the struggles I faced trying to put my life back together. All the times that I wanted to give up and yet still pushed forward regardless of the circumstances.

FightingI thought about my second marriage, how I had tried finding someone who was the exact opposite of Jennifer, somehow thinking that this would lead to happiness. Remembered all the pain I went through but all of the joy as well spending time with my two-step children from that marriage. Watching them grow has been one of the favorite parts of my life and it still is.

Storm cloudsI thought of my cousin, who had lived a parallel life as me. Had he been autistic? Were the struggles that he faced caused by the same source as my own battles in life? He had always seemed to be more outgoing but hearing stories from others around him, he was always distant, cold, and preferred to be alone. Would he still be here today if he had sought out the help of a psychologist instead of the dogmatic dog whistles of his cousins ministry?

autismI thought about my nephew, that small bundle of joy that had cleared the path to my own mental health and stability.  If he hadn’t existed would I ever have known the name to my own struggled? I know he has many struggles to face in life and it won’t be easy, but he is smart and loving, an absolute joy to be around, especially for the uncle who understands him so well. He is and always will be my hero.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the psychologist came and took me to a small room beside the reception area. I sat down behind a laptop computer and was explained the testing that I would be taking, a simple quiz of around 500 true/false questions. He told me that through the take home quiz and this one, he would be able to gauge exactly where on the spectrum I was.

I started taking the quiz and after about 100 questions the program crashed.  He restarted it and I had to restart from the beginning, about 100 questions in the program crashed once more. He started it up again and the same thing happened. Contacting the IT department, he found out that the virus scan software was what was crashing the program. He disabled that and asked me if I was willing to try it once more, if not I could return in two weeks and try it again.

Thinking about the trip it takes to get there, I decided to give it another shot. After about 120 questions it acted as if it was going to crash, an icon appeared on the screen and simply spun for a few seconds. I yelled at the top of my lungs, “GOD DAMN IT!” The program then went on to the next question and I realized the ass that I had just made of myself. No one came in but I’m sure the receptionist got a bit of a scare from my loud outburst.

I finished the quiz, which continued to act as if it was going to crash every 20 questions or so, and went back to the waiting room. A few minutes later the psychologist asked me to come into his office to talk just a bit more. I sat on his couch and he asked me about a couple of the answers on the quiz. I explained the answers and he then said that he thought he had enough to come up with a complete diagnosis. He told me that since I had brought him all the information about the struggles throughout my life, it had been easy to see that I had been correct. He said he was impressed by all the research that I had done before even approaching a psychiatrist and that i had made his job very easy. It would be a couple of weeks before I got my copy of his report but there would be no surprises in there for me to worry about.

I drove home happy to be done with the long trips to the psychologists office. I had been right. I have ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder. All the times that I had felt different from the outside world made sense to me now. All that I had been through in childhood and life in general were now clear. I wasn’t a failed human being, I was a whole human being, just one that happens to have ASD. My brain works in a wild and wonderful way that could never truly be understood by someone who does not also have autism.  I am perfect, just the way I am.


 

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If you’ve followed me throughout my entire journey and the epilogue, thank you. It might come as a shock to know this but outside of a few people close to me, you, the readers, are some of the first people to know about my journey towards a diagnosis with autism. Thank you so much for the kindness you have shown me.

My journey away from faith is fairly well-known in my community. I still live in the same area as I did when I was a minister. Initially, I had considered moving to a more suitable area for someone who lacks a faith. In the town where I live sits a gigantic mormon church, just on the outskirts of town there is a Jehovah’s Witness Temple, as well as several other churches. My own former church is just over 5 miles away from where i currently live. Moving away might have been an easy solution for me.

However, I want people to have that uncomfortable feeling they get when they avoid me in public. I want the former members of my church to see me, happy and healthy, while a growing sickness builds within their gut. I want their cognitive dissonance to be hit as hard as possible, they need to see that I am still the same person I was, just happier, not filled with hate, living a good life in their midst. It isn’t that these things bring me joy, in fact a lot of times they hurt, but I do think they serve a purpose.

Life experience led me away from faith, finding that faith lacked everything which I had believed it to hold. No comfort was found within the pages of the bible once my eyes had been opened. No strength was found in my faith to get me through the hardships I had to face. Religion is nothing more than a vast build-up of lies. We lie to ourselves enough that one day we find we believe those lies to be true, however, in many cases it doesn’t take much to tear that wall of lies down.

I love my life now. So much wonder and joy is found in the natural world that I question why I ever sought out a supernatural one to begin with. My indoctrination though had started long before I had actually reached an age to make my own decisions for me. I was taught that the world was a deeply sinful, scary and cold place; filled with evil does waiting to bring me down to their abyss. What I have found since leaving is that life is a wonderful thing, something that we only get to experience once. Religion had mad me hate this world and wish for the next…

As Christopher Hitchens is so famous for saying, “Religion poisons everything.”

 

My Journey

My Journey Away From Faith: Part 26

For part 25 of my journey, click here.
To start at the beginning of my journey, click here.

“For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.”
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I cannot tell you how hard it was for me to write those first few words to my ex-wife. For nearly a decade, I had told myself time and again how much I hated her, how every thought of her made me angry and sad. Even though all of those feelings had been a sham and a protective covering for the hurt I truly felt, I was sure that she hated me and would never message me back. I spent hours debating whether or not I should even message her, but I did it and immediately felt foolish for the corny way I initiated contact.

She responded, “HEY!”

That went way better than I expected it to go, now was time for me to attempt a conversation with her, but I had absolutely no idea what to say.  I asked her how she was and if she had heard about my second marriage breaking down, surprisingly she had. My ex had contacted her and asked her for help in getting back with me, which is a really weird thing to ask someone. Anyway, we chatted for a bit and then I told her how sorry I was for how distant I had become during our marriage, I accepted my role in our divorce and told her I no longer felt any ill will towards her.

“I accepted my role in our divorce and told her i no longer felt any ill will towards her.”

She was shocked by the apology but acted cordial and let me know that she had forgiven me years before. We were both young and had both made mistakes. She then apologized to me for giving up on our marriage so quickly and for not being as understanding as she felt she should have been. In the end of our first conversation we agreed that we were mature and old enough to be friends.

I went to work after that and my mind kept wandering back to the beautiful redhead that had once sang to me on a rooftop so many years before. Talking to her again online had brought back all of those feelings that had been lost to me for so long. When I got home, I hoped on-line and saw that she too was on-line. We talked for a couple of hours and then she said she had a question for me…

“Do you still have feelings for me?”

My answer was an immediate, “no.” We talked for a few more minutes and were getting ready to end the conversation when my mind burst into action. “I lied,” I said “I have never stopped having feelings for you, losing you was the most painful thing that I have ever gone through but I still love you and always will.” Her response was, “I still have feelings for you too.”

Now this might seem a bit silly, but do you know the scene in “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” where the Grinch hears the Who’s down in Whoville singing and his heart grows three sizes? That’s the absolute best way of describing what seeing her type those words did to me.  I literally jumped in the air and did a little dance in my friends living room. Never once did i think that I might have another shot with the woman of my dreams but this was it.

Thus began another series of late night talks like we had shared almost a decade earlier. Talking to her made me feel like a teenager again and every conversation left me wanting more. For nearly a month we continued these talks and eventually we decided that she should move to Iowa. Only a couple of issues, I was in the middle of a divorce, needed my own place, and had an old beat-up van that I feared wouldn’t make the journey to Texas and back.

“…I was in the middle of a divorce, needed my own place, and had an old beat-up van…”

Her life in Texas was stagnant, her mother had passed away and so she had no real family connections in Texas anymore. She had a daughter who was performing horribly in school due to the large class sizes and lack of one on one attention. She believed that the smaller class sizes would be good for her and so she decided to ask her if she would be interested in the move. One night she told her daughter about me, about Iowa, and about the new school she could attend. She was excited but demanded that she get to talk to me before any decision was made.

Our conversation was the moment my heart grew its fourth size. She had a sweet voice and demeanor, was absolutely in love with the movie Frozen, and insisted that I listen to her sing, “Let It Go.” We chatted for a bit, discussed our mutual love of video games, learned much more than I ever needed to know about “My Little Pony,” and she told me she couldn’t wait to meet me. I hung up the phone happy with how well that conversation had gone.

Almost instantly I found an apartment, I took my van to the shop and had about a grand in repairs done to it. I asked the mechanic if the van would make the trip and his words were, “If it would float, i’d drive it to Hawaii. It’s not going to give you any problems.” Everything was going so well and I thought they would continue to go well…

(Ron Howard Arrested Development Voiceover) “…they did not continue to go well…

It turns out that my wife at the time had hacked my e-mail account. She quickly learned that I planned to make a long trip, knew I had recently moved into an apartment, put two and two together and realized what was going on. She called me fuming. “If you get back with her you will never see the kids again!” I told her that we were separated and that I could do whatever I wanted with my life. She repeated the threat once again and I told her, “Do that and eventually the kids are going to hate you for it. In time they will realize what actually occurred and you will regret it.” She hung up on me.

About 20 minutes later she arrived at my apartment. She pushed her way in and quickly grabbed every picture of the kids that I had in my possession, or so she thought, I had in my binder an envelope filled with pictures that I had grabbed shortly after moving out. She broke several frames and I told her she needed to leave or I was going to call the cops. She left and went straight to the van and began kicking at the tires and beating on the windows. I ran outside and screamed that I had called the cops, I hadn’t, but that they would be there soon so she had better leave. She swung at me with a handful of junk mail, cutting my nose with one of the edges. I told her to leave and she finally did.

Later she called me and made the kids get on the phone and tell me how much they hated me. I could hear the pain in their voices as she goaded them to say these mean things. I told them both I loved them dearly and hoped they would understand one day. She then took the phone back and told me that I wasn’t allowed to see the kids again and that if I tried she would get a restraining order against me.  I laughed and said if anyone needs a restraining order, it would be me against her but that the whole idea was preposterous…

A few days later I hit the road and was on my way to Texas. I drove straight through the night, only stopping long enough for gas and to grab a couple of snack foods, nuts and beef sticks.  I reached Dallas by dawn and realized that my trip was nearly over, just three short hours to go. As the miles past, my excitement continued to grow. I pulled in to her driveway at around 11, gave her a quick kiss, loaded the van and we were back on the road before noon.

Only with my luck could we hit a blizzard in the middle of Texas, but that’s exactly what happened. We made it halfway through Oklahoma before we had to stop for the night. We were snowed in for nearly 3 days and what was worse, the nuts and slim jims had not done me any favors. I spent those three days in excruciating stomach cramps and pain, turns out I’m slightly allergic to nuts. Who knew? Nothing says love than being able to sit in a room where feet away the guy you love is shitting his guts out for three days.

When we finally reached Iowa, I thought things were going to calm down for a bit. We spent the next couple of days just enjoying being in each others company. We signed her daughter up for school and spent some quiet time alone. These days passed by so quickly that it was soon time for me to return to work. I hated having to leave her, but money had to be made and so I went back to work expecting a long and boring day.

Long and boring it was not, a couple of hours into my shift a police officer entered the premises. Speaking to the boss he asked if I was working. I stood up and said I was the one he was looking for. He walked across the room, handed me a stack of papers, and said “You’ve been served with a restraining order, you are to not come into contact in any way with your wife or her two kids.”

My brain checked out and I give my boss props for not sending me home. I sat in silence, feeling as if I had lost two of the most important parts of my life forever. Nothing, not even the feelings of losing my faith or my first marriage breaking down, had ever hit me with such deep depression and horror as hearing those words come out of that officers mouth. I was, once again, dead inside.

To continue on to part 27, click here.

 

My Journey

My Journey Away From Faith: Part 25

For part 24 of my journey, click here.
To start at the beginning of my journey, click here.

“Even as a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me … and no one showed up.” – Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t know what I was expecting when I told her I wanted a divorce but the response was a lackluster “OK.” We sat down and talked things over, deciding that we could do thing amicably and quickly. We even shared a laugh about how awful our whole marriage had been. The era of amiability wouldn’t last very long.

About a week later, I came home to find her crying her eyes out and laying on the floor. The kids weren’t home and so I asked her what was the matter. She informed me that she didn’t want a divorce and was sorry for the hell she had put me through over the years. She asked me if we could give it one more chance, and I informed her that I was done, the time for chances was over and I wanted out. She went on to spend the rest of the night bawling on the floor.

Fighting

Little did I know, but she had earlier encouraged a mutual friend to date me, when the friend said that she would be interested, my ex went ape-shit. So in reality it wasn’t that she had been crying because of wanting to stay together, but she wanted no one else to want me and so her display was an effort to keep me locked away from the rest of the world.  Her dramatics reached a point that I thought she was going to hurt herself or the kids and so I encouraged her to seek medical help. She agreed only if I promised that I would consider giving her another chance. I told her I would think about it but in reality my mind was made up and nothing was going to keep me in this wreck of a marriage.

“She agreed only if I promised that I would consider giving her another chance.”

Prior to going to the doctor to seek medical help she went to the bathroom and shaved herself bald. I tried stopping her but she locked the door and finished the job. We then drove to the hospital in complete silence. Upon reaching the hospital she once again went into theatrics and the doctor called a local psyche ward and encouraged her to stay a few days. Once again she agreed but only if I would promise to think about staying with her. Seeing her driven away, even though she had hurt me greatly over the years, made me feel like a monster. I was absolutely sickened by myself and decided that I would actually think over the matter for the next couple of days.

The one thing that made me question whether or not I should give her another chance were the kids. They were hurt, as children are during a separation, and felt to blame for the way things had happened. I felt awful to see them in so much pain but knew that eventually they would understand whatever decision I ultimately made.  I love those kids with all my heart and they have brought to me, more pride and joy than I ever could have deserved over the years. I still cherish every moment I get to speak with them.

Two days later, the stay had originally been scheduled for a week, she called me on the phone and asked if I could come visit. The facility was nearly 100 miles away and I literally had no gas. I told her there was absolutely no way I could make the trip. She screamed at me over the phone that a real man would get there one way or another, she then hung up the phone. A few minutes later a nurse at the facility called me on the phone and told me that she had checked herself out and that I needed to get there to give her a ride home. I ended up borrowing a few bucks from a friend in order to make the trip.

When I arrived at the facility, she was flipping out and angry. She looked at me with so much hatred that I knew there was no way I was going to give this another chance. We walked out of the facility, I drove to a convenience store and bought myself a pack of cigarettes. This was the first pack I had bought in nearly 10 years but I knew that in order to survive that drive, I was going to need them. The trip home was excruciating, her screaming into my ear for most of the trip about one thing or another.

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When we got home, the screaming continued for a couple of hours and she eventually decided that she was going to take a nap. I sat down and enjoyed a couple of moments of peace, knowing at any moment the bedroom door would open and she would be back at it.  I was correct as a little over 15 minutes later she was back in my face swearing at me for more than an hour. The kids had been at a friend’s house and when they came home suddenly, she stopped screaming and went back into the bedroom for several hours.

At the time, I was taking Ambien due to my severe insomnia, so around 10pm, after the kids were fast asleep, I took my pill and went to bed. A few moments later she tore into me again about everything she had said earlier. If you have ever taken Ambien before, when it hits, it hits. I told her I needed to go to sleep, and tried as best as I could to do just that. This is the end of what I remember of the night…

From what I have gathered, shortly after attempting to fall asleep, she had once again began screaming and poured a glass of sweet tea all over me. For those that don’t know, I hate being sticky. I’m told that I must have left shortly after that because I showed up at one friends house and spoke to them in garbled sentences for a little over an hour, dripping wet from the sweet tea. After that, I’m told, I drove to another friends house, told them I had been thrown out and that I needed a place to stay for a bit. This was the friend I spoke about in an earlier post, the atheist friend from high school. He said I could stay as long as I needed to and allowed me to crash on his couch.

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That is what I have been told happened that night because the next thing I remember is waking up in a strange house, in a strange room, filled with strange things that I had no recollection of. I seriously feared that I had broken into someones house, the feeling was not a good one. I also could not understand why the hell I was so god damned sticky. As I began to gather my bearings I realized that I had been in this house before, and that it was a safe place for me to be. Shortly after my friend walked into the room and informed me of what had occurred the night before.

This would be my living arrangement for the next month as I sorted everything out. If it hadn’t been for the few friends I had made just prior to leaving the ministry, I don’t know what I would have done. During that month, the only way I was allowed to see the children was if I agreed to have sex with my ex. This went on a couple of times before I couldn’t stand it anymore and cut things off completely. I was heartbroken that I couldn’t see the kids anymore but at the same time I had broken free from a horrible situation. I was both liberated and crushed.

Towards the end of my month stay, I decided to go through my past and seek out people who I might have hurt, both prior to becoming a minister and as a minister. I found that shortly after leaving the ministry and after getting thrown out of my house, all of the anger and hatred from the years passed began to melt away. I realized that in many of the relationships I had throughout the past, I had been at fault for much of what had gone on and wanted to personally atone for those issues.

This was a stark contrast to my time in the faith when I would atone through asking forgiveness and not actually seek to fix the broken and burnt bridges I had caused. The first person I knew I would seek out was the beautiful redheaded girl who had hurt me almost a decade earlier. We had divorced and the pain from that relationship had eventually driven me into the arms of faith and now out I could see much clearer exactly what had happened. I found her on Facebook and sent her a friend request, she accepted it almost immediately.

I sat there for what seemed like forever and eventually typed out these words…

“Hey, you look like a girl I used to know.”

To continue on to part 26, click here.