The Diary Of My Mind

Goodbye Grandma…

Today I went to see my grandmother in the hospital, to say my final goodbye. She has been very sick for about two years now. Her kidneys are failing, her liver is failing, she is unable to breathe on her own. The doctors said that it’s only the machines that are keeping her alive. On Friday they will be removing her from life support and her life will end.

I’m writing these words not because I am sad but in a way I am comforted that her struggle will soon be over. I’m not a believer and so I don’t believe she has some marvelous new life waiting for her on the other side. I don’t even believe that there is an “other side.” I just don’t want to see her in pain any more….

Growing up my grandmother was one of the strongest people who I knew. She was hard-headed, a great piano player, a ministers wife, a house painter, the most amazing cook I’ve ever known, and my most absolute favorite person on this Earth. My grandmother had a voice that was like no one else and she I remember sitting beside her during many church services, listening to her sing while she gave me Redhots from a small container she kept in her purse.

My grandmother taught me how to bait a hook and how to wait patiently for a fish to strike the bait. She was at every concert, band performance, and grandparents day that she was invited to, always waiting to give me a hug when it was over. I spent several weeks each summer at my grandparents house. Each morning we would go fishing, and every night we would watch “Wheel of Fortune” or play “Aggravation.”

I love my grandmother but I think she is better in my memory now. I’ve seen her lose the ability to walk, lose the ability to talk, lose the ability to care for herself. I’ve watched as health issues destroyed her body and dementia took her mind. In a lot of ways I mourned for her more over the last couple of years than I have today. It was a sad day but I still have all the happy memories of my grandmother, in my head and in my heart.

grandma

This was the last truly happy photo I have of my grandmother. She had just been placed in a nursing home after they had found that she had dementia. She wanted so badly to have her hair permed, having always done it herself, but the price that the nursing home was charging, $40 dollars, was out of her price range. I went to the nursing home and paid to have her hair permed as a surprise. She was so happy that night when I went to see her.

In remembrance of her I am going to share a gospel song. I loved hearing her sing this song. Even though I am no longer a believer, I will still hold this song in a happy place. She sang it far more beautifully than you can imagine.

I love you Grandma. Goodbye.

Matty

Fiction and Stories

A Cruelness To The World

If you could see the pain in my heart

When laughter breaks the calm

Knowing I’m the brunt of the joke

For doing something wrong.

I jumble my words before they exit

My mind it clearly sees

Superiority in your eyes

Looking upon me like a flea

You have no idea, how hurt I am.

Because quietly I sit showing no pain.

The pain in my mind surges forward

My thoughts the pain does claim.

I only wish to be accepted

As another human being

Yet laughter crushes the man inside

I’m broken, torn, and bleeding.

The Diary Of My Mind

Quiet Times

People often times wonder if I’m angry, simply because I go quiet. What’s actually happened is I have become overwhelmed by something. Today for example, stress at work mounted a great deal and I had all these people asking me different things. I went dead quiet for about 30 minutes, not responding to my co-workers as they joked around and did their thing. 

Several people asked if I was mad, the only thing I could say was no. This did nothing to make them believe me. 
Sometimes when I go quiet it’s as if I actually cannot talk, the words are there, my mouth can move but nothing comes out. My body just shuts off my ability to communicate verbally. I think it’s my body trying to help me narrow down and focus on what needs done but at times it can be embarrassing.

Generally when I am able to begin speaking again, the words come out all wrong and I look dumb but in reality it’s just how my brain works. 
People think I am emotionless, but my emotions run through my mind like a wildfire. I see the colors of my pain, anger, sadness and joy. Even though my outside appearance might not show it, sometimes I’m hurting desperately inside.
Imagine, experiencing an emotion but not just that one situation, remembering and experiencing every time you’ve felt that emotion. When I am sad, I feel all the times I have been sad before remembering just what caused that emotion. When I am happy, I feel all the times I have been happy before. Each emotion is like a million smaller emotions built up.

This is why I go quiet. My brain must process and get me to the other side of it. Sometimes it feels like the quiet is an immense ocean where I am dropped in the middle. Swimming to shore seems futile at first but must be done if I am ever to reach the other side.

People think I’m just angry…

But this is why I go quiet.