Satanic Sundays

Satanic Sunday: Final Fantasy

Good morning heathens and hell-bound friends and foes alike! Today marks another edition of Satanic Sunday, if you’d like to read the last Satanic Sunday, click here:Satanic Sunday #9: Muppets, Bowie, and Aslan. Also this article will hearken back to the first Satanic Sunday post, Satanic Sunday #1: The Legend of Zelda. As you know by now, this article is about things that were considered Satanic while growing up in a fundamentalist household, they might be things my parents actually considered Satanic or just things that the church or society in general deemed as such. Enjoy!

Growing up in the 80’s, you had to have an NES in order to be included in the social structure of the time. Sure, some kids were unlucky enough to have parents that bought them the Sega Master System instead, but the rest of us had our Nintendo’s. Those Sega Master kids I’m sure have endured countless hours of therapy due to their lack of social life as a child…who did they trade and borrow games from as a child? So sad…

Anyway, the NES was pretty damn cool and for good reason, I mean look at these graphics!

Anyway, as I stated in the blog about the Legend of Zelda, my parents were very selective in what games my brother and I were allowed to play.  Anything involving magic was completely forbidden and so there were a lot of great games that I wasn’t allowed to enjoy as a child. A strange one being Mega Man, not sure what the reasoning was on this but he was considered evil as well.

“It might seem a bit silly, but for the time this story was EPIC!”

Anyway, Final Fantasy is a role-playing series of games that have existed from the dawn of time, well the dawn of my time that is.  The first game followed the journey of the Four Warriors of Light, who are seeking to restore four orbs of light that have been darkened by the evil Chaos. It might seem a bit silly, but for the time this story was EPIC! The game allowed you to fight evil with good magic and so of course it was considered evil.

I’ve included a gameplay video below so you can see just how awesome these spells looked…I mean who wouldn’t want to play this game?

Well, if you read my post about the Legend of Zelda you will know that my cousin gave me a huge collection of NES games and that one day my mother destroyed any game that even might contain the slightest amount of magic. Included in these titles was a copy of Final Fantasy.

muppet adventure
Sadly, there would be no #2. Since this game was shit…

What my mother didn’t know is that shortly after this incident I worked out a deal with a friend of mine for another copy of the game. I gave up a copy of the Muppet Adventure, TMNT 1, and Bomberman for Final Fantasy, when I look back I’m still pretty proud of that trade. My friend definitely ended up on the bad side of the trade.

So now that I had another copy, I had to keep it safe. So while some kids might have concealed a porno mag or cigarettes, I had my copy of Final Fantasy stowed away securely in the garage. This was a great hiding spot and it never was found by my parents. Unfortunately I never had the courage to actually get the game out of its hiding spot and actually play it. I mean my mother had burned my games in the past, who knows what she would do if she found that I had gone against her wishes and procured one of the games again. So there it sat, in my garage, hidden away from my parents, and my fear prevented me from ever playing it.

Well, we moved away from that house and, for all I know, my copy of Final Fantasy remained tucked away in the corner of the garage long after we had moved. Recently that garage has been torn down and so I can only hope that someone found this gem, wrapped in plastic, and got some good use from it…if not it more than likely ended up being burned along with the rest of the garage after they tore it down. Such a sad fate for an incredibly game.


Well, the years passed and I stopped caring what my mother thought of the games that I played, sometimes she would cry if she thought we were playing something evil but she never did burn any of our games again. I grew up, have a family of my own now and much less time for gaming. I had honestly forgotten about this game until one day, in a used game store, I saw a copy and decided to pick it up. Unfortunately, I had forgotten my wallet so I made the journey home to grab my greenbacks.

I walked into the game store, and slammed down my money…sadly, looking in the display case I realized that the copy of the game had been purchased within the 15 minutes that it took for me to run home and grab my wallet.

I seethed in anger, this game had been stolen from me again. What diabolical force of chaos had swooped in and purchased this title? Would I need to gather three friends and go on a search for the game? Well…no…because when I got home and jumped on Facebook the identity of the culprit was made known to all.

It was my brother…

of course.gif


Well, another year went by and I had almost forgotten about the anger that I felt for my brother and the sadness that I experienced over this game that the universe seemed to be keeping me from playing. Christmas came and my brother handed me a gift, I opened it to find a collection of NES games, including the game that have evaded me for so long, Final Fantasy.

final fantasy.jpgThe game is great and it’s honestly sad that people actually found anything evil about the game. The graphics are good but good for the time, the most you learn about spells is that they are done by going through a menu and clicking a button on your controller. It’s a fun game but there is nothing about the game that could ever actually lead a person to evil or dark magic. It’s a good game, I’m glad to have it in my collection, but it is definitely not satanic at all.

Satanic Sundays

Satanic Sunday #4: Dungeons and Dragons

To read last weeks Satanic Sunday post, click here.

If there was one thing that was considered the ultimate in satanic practices during the 1980’s, it would be cat sacrifice, the second would be Dungeons and Dragons. This benign role-playing game was blamed for all of the evils of society at one point or another. The main issue with the game was that it would change your children from the fine, upstanding, christian kids they were into evil, hate filled warlocks and witches in a single session. That’s only one point that was made though, allow me to explain some of the other stuff here now.

Dungeons and Dragons Creates Witches and Warlocks

Mage.jpgFirst and foremost, as mentioned above was the belief that anyone engaged in this game would be instantly converted into Satan’s ministry, taking the role of a witch or a warlock.  Parents who never took the time to read anything about the game believed that you were actually learning spells that could be used in day-to-day life. If that were the case I would cast a firewall spell anytime I see someone who I don’t want to talk to on the street. This stems from a couple of places, one Christians believe in magic, both good and bad, and secondly they believe Satan likes to use magic to lure kids, like a creepy dude in a van might use candy.  Never once have I ever played D&D while thinking, boy this spell of revelation sure would help me find my keys….or maybe I have…I’m a nerd.

Dungeons and Dragons Will Make Your Kids Commit Suicide

This was based on nothing more than anecdotal evidence of a single parent, whose child had committed suicide and had happened to be a D&D player. The media picked up on this and produced a 60 Minutes special based entirely on this anecdotal evidence.

This belief expanded to the point that in many Christian churches it was taught that there were groups of D&D players who would commit suicide or murder a player who died within the game. I had numerous friends who played the game at the time and found this hysteria to be rather silly, not having a single friend who had ever committed suicide or been killed for dying in the game.

Dungeons and Dragons Will Turn Your Sons Gay

Unicorn.jpgSo freedom in character selection and creation is a big deal with Dungeons and Dragons. You can play as a Barbarian, a mage, a rogue, an ogre, a gnome, etc…you can also play as a member of the opposite sex. This caused huge uproar in the christian community, finding out that some of their children might be fantasizing about being a member of the opposite sex. This was Satan’s way of turning all of our children into homosexuals!

In reality, the ability to play as the opposite sex generally just turns into a laugh fest with a bunch of immature teenagers acting out the silliest of activities. “I hit the skeleton with muh boobs” kind of stuff.  Now I’m not saying that some kids, who are already gay or trans-gendered, don’t express those feelings through the safety of the game, which I think is healthy for them to do, but the idea that dungeons and dragons was creating an army of homosexuals was by far one of the most ridiculous things I ever heard…except for the next item.

Dungeons and Dragons Will Give Your Kids AIDS

AidsThis goes hand in hand with the item above. Since Dungeons and Dragons was supposedly turning your children gay, and at the time AIDS was considered a gay disease, it was only a matter of time before someone made the above claim. I was even told that AIDS was a curse caused by using the magic within the game, that god curses those who practice magic with homosexuality and AIDS. So there you have it, eliminate Dungeons and Dragons and then imagine the amount of money our government can save on AIDS medication. This item should show just how far grasping people in this community go to explain matters of science through the magical powers of their deity, it’s bad for you…

The Truth About Dungeons and Dragons

FuelTruthfully, these things really did worry me as a child and I didn’t play the game until I was much older. When I did begin playing, I found a fun environment, a great use of my imagination, and way more laughs than you could ever imagine. Dungeons and Dragons allows those who maybe have issues with self-esteem and confidence, though not always the case, to experience what it is like to be a hero, to be a powerful person, to escape the bullshit of everyday life for a few hours with friends who won’t judge them for who they are. The biggest issue with dungeons and dragons might be the sugar you consume due to the large amounts of Mountain Dew I have drunk during my time playing the game or the hours of sleep I have lost due to long sessions lasting well into the night. Dungeons and Dragons is a fun game that many people enjoy, it is no more harmful that Fantasy Football and can be a great escape from the hardships that life might throw at you from time to time.

Satanic Sundays

Satanic Sunday #2: Masturbation

For last weeks Satanic Sunday click here.

The topic for this post was chosen by a poll on twitter. If you haven’t followed yet, why not?

“My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.” – Rodney Dangerfield

Growing up in a Pentecostal home, many things were considered to be sinful. One of those things is the most natural things that nearly all humans enjoy, masturbation. Science has taught us that masturbation for men can help prevent prostate cancer, improve mood, as well as relax those who might have trouble sleeping. For women it can help improve self image, decrease stress, and in some may be the only way to reach orgasm.  The majority of people on earth masturbate so why on earth would it be considered sinful? Think about it, you can’t tickle yourself, but you can get yourself off, so there must be some evolutionary reason for it. We’re not even special in our  self love practices, as is shown in the video below.


So why is something so natural considered sinful? It all stems from a couple of passages from the Bible, one a misunderstanding of context and the other an attack on thought crime. From these two passages, Christians form their anti-masturbation beliefs.

In Genesis 38 we are told of Onan who instead of raising up, what he believed would be his brothers children(They had no idea how sex worked), instead chose to pull out and cum on the ground. If anything it is a condemnation of trying to deceive god or at worse a condemnation of the pull out method. Nothing at all to do with masturbation.

The second comes from the words of Christ:

“But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” – Matthew 5:28

In this we see a condemnation of thought crime. It isn’t about a physical act but a thought, and that thought is lust. As a pentecostal child I remember ministers preaching on the sin of lust, probably more often than any other topic. Lust is blames for numerous other sins in the world. Without lust we wouldn’t have rapists, we wouldn’t have homosexuality, or divorce. It is thought that if we can just control our lustful desires that we could truly become the people that god wants us to be.

There are a couple other passages that deal with the emission of semen in the Jewish law, but these deal with any type of emission and do not deal just with masturbation. So with that in mind I have left them out of this discussion. If you feel the need to read one of these other passages check out Deuteronomy 23.

As a child it is ingrained in your mind that lust is evil. It is never said that without lust we would have no marriages, no love, and no children. Lust is never treated as a natural desire and so anything that attempts to deal with feelings of lust, outside of prayer and fasting, is deemed as a product of Satan. Children feel the urge to masturbate because Satan is attempting to kick their lustful feelings into overdrive, this will in some way allow him to control the child later in life.  Masturbation is the gateway drug to murder.

These anti-lust teachings go even further in some churches.  They teach that the fruit, which eve tasted in the garden of Eden, was not an actual fruit but was her experiencing an orgasm for the first time, through the help of the serpent.  Think of the rush of chemicals that are produced when you orgasm and maybe you can see how they would say it is mind altering and expanding, hence the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Eve then took what she had learned and brought Adam to orgasm. Those raised in religious indoctrination can speak of the guilt you often experience after sex, thus we see how Adam and Eve saw themselves as guilty and naked before god. Sex is evil and so masturbation is evil as well.

Only when the thoughts of lust enter your mind does the act become something that makes the baby Jesus cry.

I remember once being told that the physical act of masturbation wasn’t evil, but the thoughts in your mind, while you masturbate are. It was said that as long as you can commit the act without thinking of anything lustful, it is perfectly fine. Only when the thoughts of lust enter your mind does the act become something that makes the baby Jesus cry. So the next time you choose to do this, attempt this method, clear your mind of all thoughts, don’t allow a single image to pervade it, and have at it….let me know how it worked in the comment section, because I really don’t see it happening. (Please don’t actually let me know how it works in the comment section)

The truth is that masturbation is perfectly natural and fine, it isn’t going to lead you to a fiery hell or make the baby Jesus cry. It is something healthy that almost everyone does from time to time.  It doesn’t make you dirty, it isn’t one of Satan’s tricks to steal your mind. It is an evolved trait that we share with other members of the animal kingdom.  So as long as you do it in a safe and healthy manner, it’s perfectly fine.  So play with your joystick or toggle switch as much as you want. Enjoy your bean or your pleasure button to your hearts content. It’s safe and fun. Have at it.

Satanic Sundays

Satanic Sunday #1: The Legend of Zelda

As another weekly entry to the blog I thought I would discuss something that was considered evil and satanic by all or some of the people that we attended church with over the years. For my first entry I will discuss something that affected me greatly, at the time. In fact I’m still a bit upset about this.

Being a child of the 1980’s, nothing was better than the new video games that were coming out. The Nintendo Entertainment System was a beast for its time. Sporting amazing 8 bit graphics and a huge library of games, the NES was the key status symbol of children in that time. Today the graphics seem awful but some of the games are still playable and fun even today.

One of the best games on the console was “The Legend of Zelda.” Playing the heroic link, fighting hordes of enemies on your epic journey to defeat the evil Ganon and save the princess Zelda.  Fighting dragons, skeletons, piggish guards, the ability to save your game, and the non-linear gameplay made the game something special and very different for that time.

I begged my parents to get me the game but having been told that the game contained magic, my mother was completely against the title.  Any form of magic was considered witchcraft in the pentecostal world and any amount of witchcraft, for the young mind, would lead the child to satanic worship and hellfire. There was very little chance that I would ever get my hands on this game.

Luckily though, I had an older cousin who owned the game and for some reason he had grown bored with video games. One day at his house he asked me if I wanted his NES collection and I nearly passed out from the feeling of delight. Within his collection sat the holy grail of video game titles. The golden cartridge edition of “The Legend of Zelda,” mint and still including its box and instruction manual. I think I nearly cried holding that title in my hands.

Knowing that the title was forbidden in my home, I would wait until I knew everyone was asleep or out of the house to play the title. My brother was in on the plot and would take turns with me playing the title. The game was just as good as I had always hoped it would be and I was completely enthralled with the experience of roaming the land of Hyrule on my quest to save the princess Zelda. The experience was short-lived…

Coming home from school one day, my brother and I ran up the stairs to our room to find that my mother had cleaned our rooms that day. Panic struck and I searched through my game titles. It was gone, along with every other title that might contain even the slightest bit of magic. With a broken heart, I begged my mother to return the games only to find that while we had been at school, she had found the titles, broken them and then burned them in the backyard. I was then told that I would thank her one day for saving me from the evils of witchcraft…I still haven’t done so.

My video game collection today includes a gold copy of “The Legend of Zelda.” It’s one of my most prized possessions. Strangely enough though, I have no compulsion to worship Satan or practice witchcraft. It is simply a fun game, with an easy to follow story, that was one of the best parts of the 1980’s for a child my age. An experience robbed from me, due to fundamentalist faith and fear.